'a soccer pitch' - Extracurricular Activity

Prompt : evaluate one extracurricular activity

I need to make this about 600 characters shorter please help its due today :(

Every time I walk onto a soccer pitch I learned something new. Joining the varsity soccer team is my most vital achievement to date. It wasn't only another extracurricular activity to throw on my college application, it was my passion. My junior year was my first year on the team. It is like throwing a piece of meat into a starving carnivorous crowd. Every veteran player didn't show any respect to me or any of the new teammates. I had to work my way to the top of the food chain by training vigorously every practice and earning the respect of my fellow teammates. That same year I was given the rank of Captain. Through this role I gained a firsthand experience of being a leader and it advanced my understanding of leadership. Not only did joining the team further my involvement of being a leader, it also gave me a worthy understanding of balancing my athletic and academic work. Since I was a science major I was enveloped with hours of homework and projects. Coming home four hours later due to practice, tired and exhausted wasn't beneficial either. I started to develop methods of recuperating after practice to revitalize my body and mind so I could focus on academic work. Weather it was to take an hour nap , or too simply just go less vigorously in practice I learned the difficult balancing act of mind and body. In essence I give thanks to the opportunity I was given when I joined the soccer team. It was a major experience that shaped me who I am today, not only as a player but as a scholar as well.

hope it helps, take my suggestions at your own discretion

Change to: Everytime I walk onto a soccer pitch I learn something new.


If you can find another word for vital, you can delete 'most' and add 'est' to the end of the word, if you get me - like 'my biggest achievement'.


Change 'only' to 'just'


Delete 'my'


You need to change 'is' to 'was' because you're speaking in the past tense


The veteran players showed no respect to me, or any of the new players.


That same year I was made captain.


Through this role I gained a firsthand experience of being a leader and my understanding of leadership was advanced.


Not only did joining the team further my involvement in leadership (you might find a better word for leadership since you ended the last sentence with the same word)


Since I was a science major, I was enveloped with hours of homework and projects.


Coming home tired and exhausted (maybe just one of these words or choose another because they essentially mean the same thing), and 4 hours late due to practice, didn't help either.


Whether it was taking an hour-long nap,


In essence, I give thanks to the opportunity I was given when I joined the soccer team. It was a major experience that shaped who I am today, not only as a player, but also as a scholar.

Good luck!

To me soccer was not just another sport, it was my passion. My junior year -my first year on the team - was like throwing a rookie onto a world cup team. No one showed me any respect, I had to earn it. I attained respect by training vigorously during every practice. That same year I was given the rank of captain. Through this role I gained a firsthand experience of being a leader and it advanced my understanding of conflict resolution. My involvement with the soccer team also gave me a worthy understanding of balancing my athletic and academic work. Having a rigorous academic course load I was consumed with hours of studies. I started to cultivate methods of recuperating my body and mind after practice .Weather it was to take an hour nap, or to simply just train less eagerly in practice, I learned the difficult balancing act of mind and body. In essence I thank the opportunity of playing varsity soccer; it shaped me into who I am today, as both a player and a scholar.

better?

Much better! Here are my suggestions:


Change the comma to a semicolon and see if you can link this sentence with the next one to improve the flow


Delete 'it'

A good idea would be to only use a word once; so maybe substitute 'understanding' in this sentence or the next with another word, like appreciation or something


Having a rigorous academic course load, I was consumed with hours of studies


It's 'whether'

Thank you so much , What do u think about it overall , is it lacking that spark?

I think it's quite good, in that it conveys how you developed and what you took with you as a result of an experience. It's hard to make your short essay really impressive since there is such a tight limit, it's more your long essay that needs to really shine. I wouldn't worry if I were you, I think your's does the job :)

Aha okay thanks so much :) I know you may be busy but il be posting up my longer Common App essay soon . If you could take a look at it or the other essays i wrote would really appreciate it , i dont want to sound needy i just want to send them out already and be done :P

Haha that's fine, I finished with all of mine last night so I've not got anything to do! I'll keep checking to see when you've uploaded it and I'll have a look at the others now :)

I like it too. Best wishes

Thanks guys , sent it out yesterday :)