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"Soccer is my favorite sport" - Elaborate on your extracurricular activity.

allyjim 2 / 2  
Jan 21, 2011   #1
Please help me out on this small essay please.

Soccer is my favorite sport to play. I have been playing on a team for a year now. When I first started playing I didn't know much but now since I go to every practice and am fully dedicated I have improved greatly. Being in soccer makes me happy and keeps me active. Before every game I get nervous and very excited because I don't know what might happen. I have learned through soccer to never underestimate an opponent and to never give up. Even though the games are friendly and there is no award behind it, I give my all out on the field. This team has helped me improve in my leadership qualities. Since I now am the captain of the team, I have to take charge and make sure everyone is attending practice and doing their best performance. If it wasn't for soccer I think I would of never learned so much, not only abut soccer but about life itself.
smileylover3000 1 / 1  
Jan 24, 2011   #2
There are some slight punctuation issues. I like the general message behind the essay and knowing full well that you only have 1000 characters to express it, makes it better still. I just feel maybe it's missing some kind of personality. Why not combine some sentences, because most of your sentences are short; adding some long and medium lengthed sentences might give it more depth. Also starting of with the sentence " Soccer is my favorite sport to play." is general. Alot of other people enjoy playing soccer, so you have to make sure your essay sticks out from the jump.

I enjoyed it though and I hope I helped. :)
EF_Susan - / 2364 12  
Jan 24, 2011   #3
Being in soccer makes me happy and keeps me active.

Do not include sentences like this. This sentence is uninteresting, and it is obvious. Make sure every sentence helps to express one big idea... the idea that makes you want to write the essay. You want to leave the reader with one big idea...

never underestimate an opponent, never give up, leadership...I like your way of writing, but you express a lot of different ideas. In a space like this, you only have room to powerfully express ONE idea. So, make it an interesting idea that the reader will really enjoy. Focus on just one idea, and let every sentence help the reader understand and appreciate that idea.

OP allyjim 2 / 2  
Jan 27, 2011   #4
Okay I will try that thank you=)

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