Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width   Posts: 4


Something about me that will help my roommate know me better



freezard7734 17 / 144  
Aug 5, 2010   #1
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.

I remember it dreadfully well; the calamity completely soiled my perceptions of humanity and maimed my personality. For years, my closest friends had sympathetically acknowledged my childhood illness that bleached portions of my skin and understood the origins of my broken English; however, they suddenly betrayed my trust for mere popularity and criticized my white spots and mocked my accents. Their perfidy cursed me with paranoia.

All my life, I had been instilled with the value of friendship and taught that, despite schisms and quarrels, true friends would unconditionally look after each other. However, after futile attempts to mediate their cruelty, I, shocked and helpless, resorted to seek teacher assistance. Even though my friends ceased their torment, they eventually deserted me. Soon I became afflicted with loneliness and, thereafter, found it difficult to trust others and make new, trustworthy friends.

Fortunately, an empathetic swim-mate helped me recover my trust in others. When I confided my woes in her, she taught me that true friends should reconcile after occasional quibbles and relieved me of aloofness. Through her counsel, I learned to forgive those friends and to develop new relationships. Although memories of the incident still cause me to behave gruffly occasionally, I am mostly sympathetic to others since I understand the abominable torture of betrayal and solitude.

Nevertheless, I still maintain that friendship is not a petty trinket to be traded for superficial approval. Friends should unconditionally support each other, and true friendship should last a lifetime. Within our dorm room, I hope to establish another lasting friendship.

jazlovesbowie 1 / 2  
Aug 6, 2010   #2
Wow. You are a really good writer, I don't see any grammatical errors to go after. You have a very good vocabulary. But, I must say that your essay sounds a bit harsh. It does sound like a horrible experience for you...

Soon I became afflicted by loneliness and developed disgust for humanity.

This is the sentence that really got me. The disgust for humanity part is really cold. Maybe you could omit it.
And maybe in your last paragraph you can talk about your hope to make new lasting friends around campus as well. Or something a bit more warm and welcoming.
ershad193 14 / 321  
Aug 6, 2010   #3
afflicted by loneliness -- I'm not sure about this, but I think it should be "with".

cursed me with paranoia -- this is a very strong word. Are you really implying this, or did you just choose it for the effect?

new trustworthy friends

"Trustworthy" seems redundant here. Friends are supposed to be trustworthy, otherwise they are not friends. I think I understand why you used it though. If you want to keep it, you may include the word in quotes, like this -- new "trustworthy" friends.

This is a good essay. You write well.

One more thing -- I have seen a lot of people who are not friends with their roommates. So what would you do if your roommate is an extreme introvert and doesn't like friends?

^^ This is not important. Just some additional food for thought.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Aug 6, 2010   #4
I remember it dreadfully well;

Excellent! This is a great way to say it...

...betrayed my trust for mere popularity and criticized my white spots and mocked my accents. (Right here, I think you should add a thesis sentence. Add a sentence to the end of this first paragraph so that reader can share in the insight that will be the focus of the essay. Write your most powerful sentence at the end of this first para. :-)

I don't think this works:
All my life, I had been ingrained with the...
I think you cannot be ingrained with something, but I might be wrong. I would do this:
All my life, I had my family worked to instill in me ...

This is pretty great!! You have some excellent sentences... such as... Despite that disillusioning experience, I still maintain that friendship is not a petty trinket to be traded for superficial qualities.


Home / Undergraduate / Something about me that will help my roommate know me better
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳