Hi, this is my personal essay for my transfer on common app. Feel free to read and please comment some tips and help! I worked on this for a lot of time, but I know there's weaknesses. and I still need to delete about 130 words. My essays are not strong enough and I sometimes can't make really clear logics. so please take a look. Thanks again!
I am determined to study political science because of the experience in my grandfather's house in China's countryside. Without secure drinking water and other fundamental infrastructures, the poor living situation there surprised me. I was also disappointed at the grassroots administration's inaction when I saw that nothing had been done to change for years. Since then, I decided to take political science as my future major in hope of learning about responsive government administration and making changes.
Ever since I made up my mind to study political science, I never stop getting more knowledge about it and preparing for it. I volunteered in elder people's house and exceptional children' s school to help them and to have knowledge of their problems. I also participated in model UNs focusing on finding solutions toward the social issues. I did research about current poverty situation. These activities helped me to consider issues in both micro and macro perspective on practical and theoretical ground. I became conscious of the meaning of social welfare, social needs, making decisions and implementing public policies.
To pursue my dream, I chose Public administration in college and hoped to learn the politics and administration at the same time. Studying in a university that had one of the best public administration departments in China, I had the most advanced courses in this field. The content is characteristic to have an inside look to China's political system and government administration. The training in a school with strong scientific disciplines and background was beneficial for me to cultivate a rigorous academic attitude, a rational thinking pattern and a habit of analyzing problems quantitatively.
However, as I move deeper in this field, I am not satisfied to only learning about the politics in China. Paying attention to only one country would limit my ideas. Exchanged to Berkeley last semester, I really enjoy the academic diversity in US campus. I learned about different opinions about various political systems and was excited to learn about the politics in Japan objectively. Also, I hope to get more general education. Having known more about pubic administration, I am aware of the importance of general education, which is lacking of in my current school. Without sufficient general education, it was hard for me to understand, analyze and compare issues under different culture and social background. However, I missed the only chance to change my major in college when I was aware of my desire for a major with more general education. Last, I am having a stronger desire for studying in a campus with more humanity background. The environment of the campus plays an important role in education. Studying liberal arts in a school with more scientific background made me focusing too much on quantitative analysis. However, it is clear that not all the social issues could be analyzed numerically.
I hope to have a change for the environment and for myself. I wish to transfer to a new school with more academic diversity to expose myself to different political opinions. A free and open atmosphere in school will give me broad perspective and inclusive and objective idea in the political science filed. Also, I hope to enrich my general education foundation in new school, which would help me to abstract the common ground from different political systems and prepare me for analyzing issues from a macro standpoint. Last, living on a campus with strong liberal arts disciplines would help me to spark more ideas. Surrounded by people with humanity background and similar interest, I could have chance to exchange ideas with them, which would be inspiring for me for new ideas. Communicating with them is also one of the best ways to learn about different political opinions.
Though the situation in the countryside in China has been improved and changed, there will always be other issues need change and improvement. I am determined about my dream of helping people, making changes and improvement. It sounds like something cliché, however, it is what I have been always hoping to do and making all efforts for it. However, it is impossible to make changes without knowing about current society. I believe that political science is a part the society, there is no such a modern society could exist without politics. Transferring to a new school in US and changing from public administration to political science is a vital step for my goal and my future plan. I would love to dive deeper into political science after graduation. I would also like to do the practical work such as community service to really devote myself to helping others and making changes on the micro level.
---Without secure drinking water and other fundamental infrastructures---Without reliable drinking water and other fundamental infrastructures,
--- the poor living situation there surprised me.--the unfortunate living situation there surprised me.
---future major in hope of learning about responsive government administration and making changes.----a hope or the hope
---I also participated in model UNs focusing-Model
---focusing on finding solutions toward the social issues---focusing on finding solutions for/to the social issues
----I chose Public administration in college--Public Administration
----Studying in a university that had one of the best public administration departments in China,----Studying at a university, The word administration appears repeatedly in this text. Consider using a synonym in its place.---civil service or government
---- characteristic to have an inside look to China's political system--look at
----I am not satisfied to only learning----satisfied with
----I really enjoy the academic diversity in US campus.--- Do not overuse "Really"
----I hope to get more general education--I hope to get the more general education.
----I am aware of the importance of general education,--public education
----which is lacking of in my current school.---which is lacking in my
----I was aware of my desire for a major with more general education.---desire to
----I am having a stronger desire for studying in a campus---studying on a campus
---- The environment of the campus plays an important role in education.---The environment of the school plays a significant role in education.
----However, it is clear that not all the social issues could be analyzed numerically.--evident, Make the sentence passive.
----I hope to have a change for the environment and for myself.--I hope to have change for the environment and myself.
----I could have chance to exchange ideas with them---I could have the chance to exchange ideas
---A free and open atmosphere in school will give me broad perspective and inclusive and objective idea in the political science filed .----A free and open atmosphere in school will give me a broad perspective and overall and objective idea of the political science field.
----It sounds like something cliché, however , it is what I have been always hoping to do and making all efforts for it.--It sounds like something cliché. However, it is what I have always been hoping to do and making all efforts for it.
----Transferring to a new school in US and--- school in the US
----community service to really devote myself to helping others--- service to devote myself
Essay is good.. But 780 words make it bad. It can quickly show your demonstration within 500 words. Just write less about china and your past activity. Good luck with your essay.
