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A song for a spike - my Common app essay - "Volleyball"


poisonivy 14 / 102  
Dec 30, 2009   #1
I am hopeless for your help. This is my common app essay, and I am pretty sure I have made a mess. Please advice me. Thank you a lot!

Could you say me if the title is apt:
A song for a spike

Modestly speaking, I am blessed with many good qualities. I can solve Olympiad math problems and can prepare the best spaghetti alla arrabiata in the world. I can do up to 30 push-ups, and I am able to tie my shoelaces in a unique way. I always fall asleep with a book, possibly "The Shadow of the Wind" or one of Remarque's novels, lying on my chest. I am capable of holding a passionate discussion with my dad on fluorescent light bulbs, my environmental heroes. Truthfully, I am not the tidiest person, but when I do decide to clean up the house, I render it perfectly spotless.

There is one thing, though, I do feel sorry about: my singing. I would love to be able to produce tender, heart-melting, powerful sounds from my larynx. I feel music is inside me, just too submerged to ever reach the surface in a serenading manner. But I refuse to surrender. I have discovered that something becomes really impossible only when you cease trying to make it possible.

My memory never lets me down when it comes to evidence: I still can vividly recall my first attempts at volleyball. Once, I felt as though my role on the court was just that of a static, decorative figure to fill up a position. At first, I thought that I was simply not cut for volleyball: one cannot possibly be good at everything, right? However, deep inside I felt a passion for that 270-gram ball with white, blue, and yellow stripes that would take off with a wonderful serve and beat the center of the court. I loved the smiles, the enthusiasm, the team spirit, the shout "Ace" that would come from their hearts and echo in my ears. I wanted to be a part of it, I really did...

That fantasy was annihilated with each progressive ball hurling towards me from every direction as I stood in the middle of the court. "What in the world was I thinking?!" It was a nightmare, worse still, a nightmare that I, myself, had chosen when I joined a volleyball club. The first day of training, I hurt my finger, and the next day it mirrored a round, violet sausage. My sane, critical thinking was telling me to quit. With all due respect, I decided not to listen to it.

Sweat. Twisted ankle. Aching muscles. Exhausted from serves and spikes, pull ups and dips, core stability exercises and power push-ups. Still I was headstrong. A few difficult months had to pass before I noticed changes. Changes - what a beautiful, arduous word! Today, two years later, I still stand there, in the center, under a rain of angry balls. The difference? I know how to handle them. Some will come past me nevertheless; I still have much to learn, much to improve. Yet I am excited at the thought that, day by day, I am pushing the limits of what I once thought I could or could not do.

Some may think that music does not have much to do with this experience, since it is chiefly an innate talent and not something to achieve solely by hard work. However, I believe that the solutions to both matters lie in the very same spot: profound passion. If the vocal chords in my larynx are not particularly well suited to emit a melodic tune, skilled fingers and a music-loving heart will do. I am elated when I cradle a guitar and feel its breathtaking sounds overwhelm me. My melodies are far from perfect, but that does not even matter to me. I am happy to have found a way to express my probably amateurish, but nonetheless deep, passion for music.

I feel I have undergone such a substantial change because of these two experiences. They have made me understand that it is our love for something rather than the existing achievement that defines what we truly are.

Music and sport are so inherently different. Bizarre as it may be, however, there is this one thing that makes them synonymous to me: love. With it in my heart, I can, and yes, I will, find a way.
OP poisonivy 14 / 102  
Dec 30, 2009   #2
Guys could you please help me with my essay? I have to submit it in few hours! Thank you and promise to help you back if you need :)
paranormale 4 / 32  
Dec 30, 2009   #3
Hey there. Thanks for looking at my essay. :D

"I always get to sleep with a book, possibly "The Alchemist " or one of Remarque's novels, peacefully resting on my chest. "

"it is spotless and sparkly."
You can keep "and sparkly" if you want. That's just my suggestion.

"That is not a rare thing to hear, at least not as unique as practicing Archery or Judo."
I feel this sentence isn't really necessary in context with the rest of your essay.

"My sane, critical thinking [what?] was telling me to quit."
I'm guessing another word belongs here? ;]

"I still stood there..."

That's what I saw. Good luck! :D
lizrose92 2 / 5  
Dec 30, 2009   #4
when I do decide to clean up the house, it gets all spotless and sparkly. ( it might sound better as "when i do decide to clean the house, I make it spotless)

Though, you would most probably expect me to be a team captain or a highly experienced volleyball player. When i first read this, it made you sound a little self centered.

and, strangely enough, it also reveals an inherent ingredient of my personality. ( i would replace and with "but" and take out the also)

and beat the center of the field. (volleyball is played on a court, not field).

My intrinsic passion shapes me. (change it to passions)

Overall, it's good but I feel like it needs to flow a little better, especially from the first paragraph to the second
OP poisonivy 14 / 102  
Dec 30, 2009   #5
Please take a look at my essay about sports and music? I dont know how risky it is to blend these 2 in one essay! Every comment is very appreciated :)
autogunny 3 / 72  
Dec 30, 2009   #6
I always get to sleep with a book, possibly "The Alchemist" or one of Remarque's novels, lying peacefully on my chest.

Take out this sentence.

I can not sing

I cannot sing.

My memory doesn't let me down when it comes to evidence

In fact, my memory can support this far-fetched

the next day it became like a round

claim with evidence from my past

I liked your essay just read it outloud one last time and its turning-in quality.
OP poisonivy 14 / 102  
Dec 31, 2009   #7
Please advice me on my main essay (deadline today!) I'll help you back, promise. :)
kldini 12 / 62  
Dec 31, 2009   #8
You may want to change your first sentence to something more attention-caller. I see it pretty simple. (But that is just me.)

"There is one thing, though, I do feel sorry about"

"I would love to be able to produce tender, heart-melting, passionate , powerful sounds from my larynx." Eliminate one of those so it can flow better. (beautiful sentence by the way) =)

"I have discovered that something becomes really impossible only when you cease trying to make it possible." TRUE.

"My memory doesn't let me down when it comes to evidence: I still can vividly recall my first attempts at volleyball." And provide a date or the years you had at this time because it sounds a little empty.

"I loved the smiles, the enthusiasm, the team spirit, the shout "Ace" that would come from their hearts and echo in my ears. I wanted to be a part of it, I really did... " These, I feel, are not necessary.

"The very first day of training, I hurt my finger, and the next day it became like a round, violet sausage. (Happened to me twice.HAHA) My sane, critical thinking was telling me to quit. With all due respect, I decided not to listen to it." Don't use very.

"Some may think that music doesn't have much to do with this experience,..."

"If the vocal chords in my larynx aren't particularly well suited to emit a melodic tune, skilled fingers and a music loving heart will do."

I like this sentence.

"My melodies are far from perfect, but that doesn't even matter to me." WHY? EXPLAIN OR PUT IT TOGETHER WITH THE NEXT SENTENCE.

OVERALL THIS IS A GREAT ESSAY!
GOOD LUCK AND I HOPE I HELPED!
CAN YOU CHECK MINE WHEN I FINISHED THEM IN ABOUT AN HOUR. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE. =)
dramacratic 6 / 27  
Dec 31, 2009   #9
Add a time interval for the pushups: "...up to 30 push-ups in x amount of time..."

Your title: "A Song for a Spike"

At first, I thought that I was simply not cut for volleyball:- one cannot possibly be good at everything, right?

"Still, I was headstrong."

"Well, t hat fantasy was annihilated..."

I love it. Best of lucky! :D


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