SOP in Graphic Design - SCAD, problems with grammar and vocabulary

This is my first draft, I have spent 2 days on it. English is not my first language and I didn't have really good English training, there maybe many grammar or vocabulary mistakes in my essay, please help me correct them, Thanks a lot! This SOP is supposed to be 500 words limited but I exceed 170 words.

SOP in Graphic Design - SCAD

My parents used to be teachers when I was about four, they would give me all different kinds of color chalks and the wall would be full of my drawings. From the text books, comic books,... wherever I could find pictures and illustration, I would draw them all on the wall, the floor and even the ceiling. I did not really ...

Le Thanh Tung.

I will give advice, but it is hard not to modify it in a way that isn't a little invasive. What I mainly see as problematic is diction and syntax, and a few missing punctuations.

Here's an example of the first paragraph:

"When I was about four, my parents were employed as teachers. They would bring home many different colors of chalks from school, and I would fully adorn the walls with my drawings.From textbooks to comic books, wherever I could find pictures or illustrations, I would cover the floors, the walls, and even the ceilings, with my artistic reproductions. I did not know the reason why, but I found drawing to be very fascinating. I fell in love. More than ten years later, I stood before a crowd consisting of nearly a hundred people, mostly classmates and teachers. As I presented my work to them, I understood why I had this love for drawing and designing. It was the satisfaction. The satisfaction derived from their clapping, smiling, and laughing. They seemed really impressed. I felt I had inspired in them unique feelings they have never experienced before. Since then, impressing people, making them understand and memorize certain things, or persuading them to do great work, has provided me the passion to continue drawing and designing."

So, I was a little drastic in my alterations, but I just wanted to provide an example of how you can improve the way you write. For example, breaking up sentences and establishing a rhythm of sorts, or busting out a thesaurus.

Fifteen symbols, I'm so glad you are here participating. This is a great contribution.

I'll show how all the life of that first set of sentences can be condensed into a single, short sentence:

My parents used to be teachers when I was about four, they would give me all different kinds of color chalks and the wall would be full of my drawings. From the text books, comic books,... wherever I could find pictures and illustration, I would draw them all on the wall, the floor and even the ceiling. I did not really know the reason why, but I found drawing very fascinating and I loved it. At an early age, I benefited from the fact that my parents were both teachers and frequently able to bring home supplies that helped me to cultivate my interest in visual art. I covered the walls with chalk drawings! More than ten years later, as I stood ...

Of course, just like fifteen symbols I am just giving an idea.. not necessarily the best idea, but something to consider.

I see that you are over the word limit, so remember: less is more in writing.
If you can compress a paragraph of info into a single sentence, the reader really feels its power. It's like orange juice from concentrate.

And I learned that it was not only the pleasurable but also that I had potential to make people feel energized and interested in learning -- by simply presenting a bunch of information in a beautiful way.

Get rid of unhelpful details:
Monthly and the final IB examination, We did not have to study so much, but everyone scored very high, and I felt a deep satisfaction.--- I added some commas, too! :-)

Design, in my mind, is never only about making the best artwork for others to simply see, but more importantly putting my feet in others' shoes to understand how they will feel about my artwork . When I was asked to...

You can use research as a verb like this: "I had to research how the brain works..."
To do this, I often had to research of how the brain works and how it would response to certain subjects.

The role of a graphic designer is like the role of a movie director or a music composer; we need to know how it is like to be in another person's shoes. To make them understand...

very nice.. you should feel confident!!

Thanks a lot fifteen symbols and Kevin, I will consider this and pose the second draft as soon as possible :">

Here is my 2nd draft, I have changed the first paragraph and made some minor changes for the rest. Please give me some advises for the 3rd paragraph, I want to talk about all the elements such as cutting-edge technology, historic culture, the pleasant atmosphere, strong academic program and great consideration about athletic. However I do not know how to put them in sentences and 'establishing a rhythm of sorts, or busting out a thesaurus' as 15 symbols advised. Thanks for your help!

Ha hahahah... well, rhythm comes from a kind of energy that keeps you excitedly writing.

Hey, I really like the intro now.

with cutting-edge technology, the historic culture and the pleasant atmosphere of the parks and beaches, and also between academic quality and athletic consideration. (I cut out the part that was not helpful. I think you should add more sentences about what you will accomplish by using the technology and resources. Show them that you cannot wait to get involved with the most current work that is being done. Talk about current topics in your chosen field and how the resources at this school can help you to become one of the key players in this kind of work... or accomplish whatever you want in the field.

Less is more:
Design in my mind is never only about making the best artwork for others to simply see, but more importantly it is about putting my feet in others' shoes to understand how they feel about my artwork.

I think what you mean to say is that you need to assume the perspectives of others in order to design images in a way that will create an experience for them.

:-)

I have changed the 3rd paragraph into this, please comment :D
I always want things to get done quickly, can Kevin or anyone please tell me how much more I should put in this SOP to get it 'good'?

3rd paragraph:

Before: It is my goal to pursue an undergraduate degree in graphic design at the Savannah College of Art and Design. The most appealing aspect of SCAD is the harmonious balance between the academic environment with cutting-edge technology, the historic culture and the pleasant atmosphere of the parks and beaches, and also between academic quality and athletic consideration.

After: It is my goal to pursue an undergraduate degree in graphic design at the Savannah College of Art and Design. The most appealing aspect of SCAD is the professional academic environment with cutting-edge technology. With this technology and dedication, the students will be able to accomplish their best artwork without any limitation.

Relax, your 2nd draft SOP is pretty much there ("good!") BTW - good things never get done quickly so needless to stress about it. I like the second rewrite of your third para better. The last sentence could be improved though. How does this sound/read to you?

I believe that this aspect plus utter dedication will enable me to achieve my best artwork.

Also, more "nip & tuck" corrections and suggestions (in bold):

It was then whenthat I took a basic design course in which we hadrequired me to design the corporate identity for a soft drink company that I fell in love with graphic design.and I would make three of them. In the beginning of 2008, I was shifted to study the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme in India. Instead of dropping out classes that did not interest me, I started learninglearned how to combine text, images, shapes and master the effects, animations in iWork Keynote to make presentations for the subjects I studied . Even though my ability to use English at that time was not at all goodweak, but my classmates and teachers would alwaysloved to see my presentations. And I learned that it was not only pleasurable but also that I had potentialimmensely gratifying to make people feel inspired and interested in learning by simply putting a bunch ofassemblinginformation in a beautiful way. We did not have to study so much butFor thefinal examination, everyone scored very highwell,and I felt a deep satisfaction.

Whenever I was asked to prepare a presentation for my class there were alwayshundreds of questions that would trigger in me about how to makeinspire [b]even the least interested student be amazed and to understand get the lesson quickly, easily and remain in his long-term memory. To do this, I often had to research how the brain works and how it would response respond to certain subjects. In addition, I developed the habit of observing people, their actions and interests, so that I will be able to knowin order to better understand my audiencewell.

Thanks A. Smith very much!!!!

During my high secondary, my teachers kept bombarding me with essays, lab reports and portfolios, that is why I'm so sick of them now @_@! I want to complete and send this SOP as soon as possible so that I will have time to do my PORTFOLIO (10 best artworks, can be submitted online) and party :P

I have edited the 4th paragraph, please comment!!!

Before: My first introduction to the field of graphic design came when I took an after-school class called Arena Multimedia. In six months, I learned how to use Adobe Illustrator, Photoshop and InDesign. It was when that I took a basic design course in which we had to design the corporate identity for a soft drink company and I would make three of them. In the beginning of 2008, I was shifted to study the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme in India. Instead of dropping out classes that did not interest me, I learned how to combine text, images, shapes and master the effects, animations in iWork Keynote to make presentations for the subjects I studied.

After: My first introduction to the field of graphic design came when I took an after-school class called Arena Multimedia. In six months, I learned how to use Adobe Illustrator, Photoshop and InDesign. It was then when I took a basic design course which required me to design the corporate identity for a soft drink company. I made three of them and they were all placed as the best designs in my class. In the beginning of 2008, I was shifted to study the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme in India. Instead of dropping out classes that did not interest me, I tried to make some presentations for the subjects I studied. I learned how to combine text, images, shapes and master the effects, animations in iWork Keynote, and I found this fascinating.

The most appealing aspect of SCAD is the professional academic environment with cutting-edge technology. --- don't the other schools have similar technology? If this school has better technology than others, name an example in a brief sentence that you add right after this one.

Trim:
It was then when I took a basic design course which required me to design the corporate identity for a soft drink company. I made three of them, and they were all placed as the best designs in my class. In the beginning of 2008, I was shifted to study the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme in India. Instead of dropping out classes that did not interest me, I tried to make some presentations for the subjects I studied. I learned how to combine text, images, and shapes, and I mastered the effects and animations in iWork Keynote.

and I found this fascinating. (replace this with a sentence that is more interesting)

:-)

Thanks Kevin! I will make changes and consider this the final draft. It might be a naive decision but... I feel good about the essay, hope that the international admission at SCAD will like it :D

Thanks everyone, wish me luck!!!!