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my sophomore year final report card - Common app/ UC essay


pacers7ind 11 / 25 2  
Nov 28, 2009   #1
I'm talking about an event that changed my life.

May someone please help me make it sound stronger and clearer.

I would greatly appreciate it if someone would do this

It's been over a year and a half, but those seemingly insignificant letters on my transcripts were burned into my memories. I had vigorously studied for many weeks to prepare for my math analysis final, so I was eager to receive my report card. When it finally came in the mail, I rushed to open it. To my disappointing surprise, I received a C. I had expected a higher grade but receiving a C brought great disappointment. Perhaps if my school had more tutoring sessions, I would have received the help I needed. It's rare when my school offers tutoring and when they do, it isn't publicized to the student body as efficiently. Ever since that day, I realized the lack of help available in my school and I decided to take up leadership roles in order to make sure I help others who are in my situation.

During my junior year, I wanted to make sure that I gave the underclassmen the help I wish I would have had and I accomplished this through the Technology and Design preparation small learning community. I have been president for both my junior and senior years and during my junior year, I worked with teachers to organize and prepare successful tutoring session which took place during school and after school. Seeing struggling students succeed academically encouraged me to do more than this. In order to make help wide spread, I tried motivating most of my friends to join the Link Crew program which I joined my senior year. Link Crew pairs up the upperclassmen with the lower class men in order to help improve their grades. The majority of those who I tried motivating eventually joined and I felt as progress was being made. Thorough Link Crew, I monitor a group of student's grades, and when their grades begin dropping, I make sure I discuss their grades with them. By being involved helping others, I slowly developed a helpful attitude towards everyone. I began offering help to anyone who needed it, whether it is a classmate, a neighbor or a teacher. Since I never truly had support or help when I was growing up, I enjoy helping others so they can better themselves. My involvement has made my community recognize me as a helpful individual. Many of my peers often contact me when they are in need of support and some teachers ask me for assistance when ever they need it. I slowly became the person everyone turned to when there are conflicts or mix ups. At times I am called a "peace maker" by my friends because I help class mates end disputed arguments. I now try to inform my classmates of what goes on in my school, that is why I have chose to become the homeroom representative my senior year. It is my responsibility to inform my class about senior events but I have taken a step further. When ever I hear about tutoring sessions, community service opportunities or scholarship opportunities I make sure I announce it to my homeroom class.

It surprises me how a simple grade made me who I am today; a helpful individual. If I had not received the C in math analysis, I would have not developed that attitude. If given the opportunity again, I feel that I can achieve a better grade with proper help. At the end of the day I am filled with an enduring sense of fulfillment knowing I contributed to ones success.
OP pacers7ind 11 / 25 2  
Nov 28, 2009   #2
wow!
Thank you!

but I want to have a stronger ending

"
It surprises me how a simple grade made me who I am today; a helpful individual. If I had not received the C in math analysis, I would have not developed that attitude. If given the opportunity again, I feel that I can achieve a better grade with proper help. At the end of the day I feel a sense satisfaction knowing that I contributed to someone's success and when everyone is able to succeed, society improves as a whole. "

I was thinking of fixing the last sentence.
hahaing 2 / 2  
Nov 28, 2009   #3
Yea, I'm very bad at wrapping things up. Maybe talk about how you're grateful or unsure what to feel about getting the C, because it's made you who you are. You don't want to change yourself, or you wouldn't go back to that moment to change the grade, but you'll grow forward? ARghh, I'll think about this tomorrow and get back to you.
OP pacers7ind 11 / 25 2  
Nov 28, 2009   #4
Thank you very much, I really appreciate it.

Proper tutoring is something my school lacks.
I want to explain that I go to a horrible school where students aren't given the attention they should be given and the teachers ( at least the majority) aren't enthusiastic to teach. I don't think I'm getting my message across as effectively.
Juniper_Jumper 5 / 39  
Dec 10, 2009   #6
Great, fun essay. You're strongest factor of this essay is your potential structure. Grade => tutor => help others => college [need to add] The problem is you try too hard to sound smart. This isn't one of your IB essays with like therefore etc, and passive sentences such as "accomplish this through" etc. just say I did this be ___ be boring when it comes to stuff like this. but not when it comes to your "Thorough Link Crew, I monitor a group of student's grades, and when their grades begin dropping, I make sure I discuss their grades with them." First off, it's through, and other than that, way too bulky to explain. it's really too complicated here, it becomes really lecture like. You have a lot of sentences where it's like, duh. I pointed them out in the essay. and you have that random example of homeroom class. I know what it is, adcoms for the most part could guess what it is, and I'm sitting here thinking... :/ okay. :/ and I care why? it's really really :/ :/ :/ find something else unless you have some kind of emotional value, academic value/competitiveness of this job, etc. cuz otherwise it's like ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :/ that job is too :/ no bang. it's like making posters for a club. essential, yes. important enough to point out in your personal statement, not really unless it's really really really important to you. if it is, you'd better have a damn good case why it's important


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