After marinating in the stale airplane atmosphere for what seemed like an eternity, I, along with my twenty seven other classmates and six teachers, hopped off the plane and onto an air-conditioned coach bus. Needless to say, in the streets of South Africa, I felt more like an outsider than ever before. Our first stop in Johannesburg was Siyazigabisa Home of Hope -- a shelter that attempts to remove children from the township streets. The laughter, pre-World Cup excitement, and shril vuvuzela cries was enough to remind me that I, along with most of my classmates, had not slept in forty eight hours.
At Siyazigabisa, I was pleasantly greeted by a shy, wide-eyed boy. Mbali, at age four, was so eager to give me a personal tour of his room and introduce me to his friends. I later learned that Mbali had recently lost both his parents, and was left homeless out on the dangerous streets of Tembisa. As I wandered through Mbali's room, I was speechless. Four sets of bunk beds were placed in a small space, equivalent to the size of a large cubicle. The walls were chipped, and the window frames, cracked. But considering that only a short while ago, these kids did not even have beds to sleep on, this was paradise. Funds at Siyazigabisa are allocated to providing the children with food and clothes, and as a result, the living arrangements often take the back seat. Mbali proudly told me that he and his roommates, "were like a family." I was touched. There truly is happiness even in the direst situations.
The next few days, I got to visit students my own age at various high schools throughout Soweto. Meeting students at Kliptown High School was definitely an eye-opening experience. Mpho, a high school senior, class president, and valedictorian of her grade, along with her other classmates, was an inspiration to all. Seventeen years ago, under the Apartheid regime, women were separated from men, Blacks separated from Africans, and Africans from Coloreds and Whites. Seventeen years ago, this diverse class would not exist. Despite our differences in location, I saw so many similarities between South African teens, and myself. These kids are internally driven; constantly motivated by the prospects of a better life and the possibility of escaping poverty. Although the sad reality is that some of these kids would never make it to a university, it was refreshing to see young people who constantly envision prosperous futures. Hearing about their goals -- to come to the United States, to design rockets, to work for the United Nations-- was nothing short of impressive.
This two-week immersion trip was not nearly enough time for me to fully experience South Africa. While living in the Residential Colleges at Rice, I hope to share my unique experiences working in various third-world countries. Throughout my time spent, I was constantly in awe of the omnipresent spirit of Nelson Mandela. The same passion and desire for justice is epitomized in the young orphans as well as the high school students of South Africa. It is this same passion and spirit that I will bring to Rice University in an effort to prove that any individual, regardless of age, ethnicity or economic stature, can bring about change.
please, tear it apart if you need to. thanks!
this essay is awesome!!!!
After marinating in the stale airplane atmosphere for what seemed like an eternity----maybe its just me, but this metaphor sounds wrong, I think marinating isn't the word you're looking for. try 'being drenched' or 'bathing'(sorry, I'm not a thesaurus) -just look for a better word.
no grammatical errors, you're all set.
Please check out my Rice essay, I didn't notice the motivation prompt until yesterday.
All the best, hope to meet.
marinating ---Nice!! Great idea...
what seemed like an eternity--This is a cliche, so it is great if you can say it in an original way.
had not slept in forty eight hours.---At this point, you leave the reader reflecting for a moment... wondering what will be the theme of the essay. Many people use a thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph and have it express the message/theme, but you did not do that. If you choose not to do a thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph, I think you should do it as the first sentence of paragraph 2.
As I continue to read, I am impressed by your writing, ad the AO reader also will be, but I think you need to anchor this essay in the reader's mind by adding a thesis statement.
:-)
