This is my common app personal statement for transfer. I am 42 words over and I would really like some help on cutting stuff down and organizing my essay. Also, if you know any good tips on how to improve my essay, make it more convincing, interesting, etc. please help!
Prompt: Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
South Asian cultures typically emphasize that the only career choice for students is in medicine. While I had a strong appreciation for the sciences, I never felt close enough to become fully committed. Without a vision or passion for anything specific, I rolled through high school carelessly, which resulted in my average grades. I took AP classes hoping to improve my GPA, but without any motivation to work hard and achieve my potential, I did not perform as well as I could have.
In the winter of my senior year, I visited my childhood home after 12 years in Sukkur, Pakistan. It appeared nearly the same as when I left, lacking proper health care, gender equality, and environmental sustainability. During my trip, I witnessed the misery of women, children, and senior citizens stranded on the streets, begging to survive. I met brilliant students lacking access to education, with no outlet to foster their creativity and innovation. Recognizing the circumstances that many Pakistanis were born into drove me to immerse myself in helping developing countries by working to provide better education, build more shelters, and utilize technology to achieve cleaner air and water.
Over the course of my trip, I spoke about empowerment and independence to women living in cramped homeless shelters, many of whom had been abandoned by their husbands. I hoped to inspire a small push for greater change, emphasizing the importance of pursuing an education and career. I knew my efforts were making an impact when I was told that many of the women I spoke with at the shelter returned to their homes to remarry, or gained the courage to seek an education. I realized that I had the advantage of living in a country where I did not need to think twice about pursuing my dreams. Empowering these women to crack through barriers in their culture and pursue their passions pushed me to follow my own advice and reflect on my own goals and interests. After returning to America, I spent months considering a match between my interests, what I was good at, and what could challenge me to succeed far beyond my unpromising past. I found that match within international law and public service.
After my trip, I realized I had a second chance at community college, and that transferring to a prestigious college would help me achieve my career and academic goals by building a solid educational foundation, using the ideal academics and resources I know will connect me to success. Through my undergraduate study, I will be able to take rigorous and comprehensive courses that will challenge my thoughts and views of the world, thus helping me improve my character and become more versatile.
Through my years in community college, I have obtained leadership positions in campus organizations that helped me develop quality skills such as leadership, public speaking, management, and decision-making. Model United Nations educated me on international affairs, while helping me turn pragmatic solutions in debates into future practices. I participated in debates on establishing global minimum wage, efficient use of natural resources and environmental policies in South Asia. In one particular general assembly, delegates were required to determine innovative solutions to reduce river contamination caused by stormwater runoff. I researched contaminants in the water and looked for patterns within communities around the world. After discovering that pesticides, oil, and landfills were the main pollutants, I focused on cost-effective and efficient solutions that tackled these areas. With my fellow delegates, I prepared a comprehensive resolution that included community members cleaning up after themselves, installing ground catchment systems to harvest and reuse storm water, and incorporating runoff controls in roadways by green infrastructure. I took (an)early initiative to persuade other delegates to vote for my resolution. To increase productivity, I delegated research and writing tasks to committee members and ensured effective communication.
The responsibilities I learned through my leadership roles, along with my communication and management skills, shaped me into a dedicated young leader with the self-confidence and perseverance to continue a life-long endeavor of public service.