Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below
I couldn't figure out which beginning to use so the following were my choices..
Everybody says high school is the era in your life, in which the mistakes you make, the friendships that you gain, help you find who you truly are. Entering my senior year in high school, I'm starting to realize the credibility in that saying, and luckily for me, a great part in discovering myself occurred in my favorite hobby, Tennis.
OR
Playing tennis for the first time at the tryouts in my freshmen year, I would have never been able to predict all the morals and values it has granted me currently. Entering my senior year now, I have gained many valuable friendships, ambition for trying unfamiliar things and most importantly felt the most rewarding feeling of triumph in my own improvement.
And the rest is..
As it is a sport in which a team has to unify for victory, rather than one man for himself, tennis has taught me how to be a team player, and allowed me to feel the joy of being selfless in helping others progress. After long tiring practices, I've learned success comes with hard work, and pays off as it did in winning games and in academics. Those long bus rides after winning games, and losing others, showed me the true importance of the comfort and joy we had felt in the company of each other rather than the outcome of the game.
Any comments of how to improve it would be greatly appreciated! Also its a bit over 150 words.. so if you know any unnecessary words to remove, please let me know! Thank you!!
-Priyanka
I definitely like what you have chosen to write about. I like that you have taken the time to identify the things tennis has done to shape you into the person you are. As to which of the two I find better, I would prefer the second, but the first is not bad either. I think this will ultimately depend on the direction your essay takes: will you talk about mistakes you've made and how tennis helped you overcome these or helped you realize your mistakes? (Intro # 1 will work for this); or, will you talk exclusively about tennis how tennis has shaped you? (Intro #2 works well here).
I have just a few writing comments and edits:
Everybody says high school is the era in your life in which the mistakes you make and the friendships you gain help you find who you truly are. Entering my senior year in high school, I'm starting to realize the credibility in that saying and, luckily for me, a great part in discovering myself occurred in my favorite hobby, Tennis.
I took out your first two comma ("life, in which) -- this segment can just flow well without a comma--and conjugated mistakes you make AND the friendships...
(You can also take out "that" from "friendships that you gain"
Put the following phrase in between commas: ",luckily for me," (if you read the sentence with out the "luckily for me" it would still flow well/make sense).
I would say "occurred through my favorite hobby..."
OR
Playing tennis for the first time at the tryouts in my freshmen year, I would have never been able to predict all the morals and values it has granted me currently. Entering my senior year now, I have gained many valuable friendships, ambition for trying unfamiliar things and most importantly felt the most rewarding feeling of triumph in my own improvement.
Try to reword your first sentence; you can combine the dependent clause with the independent clause to make it shorter and more concise.
E.g.: Freshman year, I would have never been able to predict all the morals and values the sport of tennis grants.
Also, check your tense: back then, I wouldn't have predicted that tennis would grant etc.
You don't need "currently" at the end of the first sentence.
In the second sentence something seems to be off when you read it; consider the things you have gained (vs. the thing you felt) one by one and see if they make sense: e.g. "Entering my senior year now, I have gained...friendships. Entering my senior year now, I have gained...ambition for trying unfamiliar things. Entering my senior year now, I have gained...felt the most rewarding feeling..." Does it makes sense when you break down? You lose your verb in the second thing you list when you separate it out with a comma; secondly, the third thing, you don't gain, but you "felt." Consider these corrections:
Entering my senior year now, I have gained many valuable friendships AND ambitions for trying unfamiliar things and, most importantly, I have felt the most rewarding feeling of triumph in my own improvement. (Here, I've conjugate the two things you've "gained," but have separated them from what you have "felt.")
Entering my senior year now, I have gained many valuable friendships AND ambitions for trying unfamiliar things; most importantly, I have felt the most rewarding feeling of triumph in my own improvement. (Similar thing here, except a semicolon would work well here by taking out the "and.")
As for the rest, it looks great! Just a few corrections in comma usage. I didn't explain (I'll spare you :-) but I just made the corrections below. I also took out a few words to make it shorter. What is your word count? You can always take out statements that just add emphasis like "luckily for me" or "more importantly."
As it is a sport in which a team has to unify for victory, rather than one man for himself, tennis taught me to be a team player and allowed me to feel the joy of being selfless in helping others progress. After long tiring practices, I've learned success comes with hard work and pays off , as it did in winning games and in academics. Those long bus rides after games showed me the true importance of the comfort and joy we had felt in the company of each other rather than the outcome of the game.
Good luck!
Thanks a lot! That definetly helps, and im going to stick with the second beginning instead. Thanks again!
SHB, I'm really happy to see your participation here. Thank you for making this great contribution to the work of Priyanmka and to EssayForum.
Everybody says high school is the era in your life, in which the mistakes--- I like this beginning, but take out the comma after "life."
Do not capitalize tennis.
Oh, I see that you are going to use the second one. That is okay, too. I liked the first one because it begins with "Everybody says..." and I find that to be an interesting start to an essay.
:-)
