Stanford - Fusors and Particle Acccelerators

Prompt: Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development. (2000 character limit)

Here's the essay with dialogue. (2000 characters exactly)

About a month ago, I was walking along to my lunch like any other day when a good friend of mine suddenly pulls me aside. "Hey John, I really need to talk to you. Can we go to the library?" he inquires. We rush to the library and he says to me, "I'm trying to build the same particle accelerator Michio Kaku built when he was in high school. It's for a science fair. Do you have any advice?" Shocked, I replied asking him how he plans to do this and we discussed the practicality of it together. At the end of our discussion, he changed his path and he agreed on building a fusor. Without going into too much detail, a fusor is a miniature, but fully functional, device that is capable of controlled fusion through plasma. I had known a lot of information about the fusor because I have always been fascinated with plasma physics and one of my goals before I graduate college was to construct one, though I didn't see it happening very soon. At the end of our conversation he looked down as if he were contemplating something and then said three words that made a huge difference. "Want to help?" I agreed, of course, but at the time I was excited, but not as much as I should be. It was only later when I had gotten home and realized the gravity of this project and what it can amount to that I truly became excited. Call me crazy, but at one point I distinctly remember jumping due to the notion/realization** that I am going to be doing something that very few (under ten, I believe) high school students have ever done, and it is something that I love to do. Ever since that fateful day, my friend and I have been collaborating almost daily on how we propose to fabricate this device needing in depth knowledge of electrical engineering and plasma physics. Right now our project is entered into one science fair and we are eagerly awaiting the registration dates to others as well. There are many innovations that we plan to add and it is something I would love to work on and study at Stanford.

And here is the essay without. (1985 characters)

They're basically the same essay; I just took the dialogue out and replaced it with narration. I wasn't sure if dialogue is appropriate in an essay like this.

About a month ago, I was walking along to my lunch like any other day when a good friend of mine suddenly pulls me aside. He asks me if I can meet him in the library to give him some advice on a project he is interested in. We rush to the library and he tells me that he is trying to construct the same particle accelerator that Michio Kaku had done when he was in high school. Shocked, I replied asking him how he plans to do this and we discussed the practicality of it together. At the end of our discussion, he changed his path and he agreed on building a fusor. Without going into too much detail, a fusor is a miniature, but fully functional, device that is capable of controlled fusion through plasma. I had known a lot of information about the fusor because I have always been fascinated with plasma physics and one of my goals before I graduate college was to construct one, though I didn't see it happening very soon. At the end of our conversation he looked down as if he were contemplating something and then said three words that made a huge difference. "Want to help?" I agreed, of course, but at the time I was excited, but not as much as I should be. It was only later when I had gotten home and realized the gravity of this project and what it can amount to that I truly became excited. Call me crazy, but at one point I distinctly remember jumping due to the notion/realization** that I am going to be doing something that very few (under ten, I believe) high school students have ever done, and it is something that I love to do. Ever since that fateful day, my friend and I have been collaborating almost daily on how we propose to fabricate this device needing in depth knowledge of electrical engineering and plasma physics. Right now our project is entered into one science fair and we are eagerly awaiting the registration dates to others as well. There are many innovations that we plan to add and it is something I would love to work on and study at Stanford.

I put the asterisks around notion/realization because I'm not sure which word would fit there. Any word revisions or grammatical errors please!

I will try to return the favor and critique any essays you have as well. Thank you for your time

Your essay was well-written, but in my opinion, it hasn't reached the point of how the experience is "important to your intellectual development". Upon reading your essay, I can see how you're willing to overcome hardships and to do the unthinkable. However, it concentrates so much on the plan and leaves out the real action. Maybe focus more on the process of building a fusor? How that process happened to you and how it impacted you? Have you learned about teamwork? Have you comprehended the concept of never giving up?

These are just some of my opinions. Very nice essay, keep up the good work. Good job, and good luck with the next step! :)

Okay so I removed the section starting from "Ever since .... " on down and replaced it so that my final looks like this

About a month ago, I was walking along to my lunch like any other day when a good friend of mine suddenly pulls me aside. "Hey John, I really need to talk to you. Can we go to the library?" he inquires. We rush to the library and he says to me, "I'm trying to build the same particle accelerator Michio Kaku built when he was in high school. It's for a science fair. Do you have any advice?" Shocked, I replied asking him how he plans to do this and we discussed the practicality of it together. At the end of our discussion, he changed his path and he agreed on building a fusor. Without going into too much detail, a fusor is a miniature, but fully functional, device that is capable of controlled fusion through plasma. I had known a lot of information about the fusor because I have always been fascinated with plasma physics and one of my goals before I graduate college was to construct one, though I didn't see it happening very soon. At the end of our conversation he looked down as if he were contemplating something and then said three words that made a huge difference. "Want to help?" I agreed, of course, but at the time I was excited, but not as much as I should be. It was only later when I had gotten home and realized the gravity of this project and what it can amount to that I truly became excited. Call me crazy, but at one point I distinctly remember jumping due to the notion/realization** that I am going to be doing something that very few (under ten, I believe) high school students have ever done, and it is something that I love to do. I was never a leader in school; I was always the one who did whatever the other person told them to do. This project has changed me. I have learned how to be a successful leader from this project as we are currently meeting daily to collaborate about discoveries or bargain parts (as this project tends to be a little pricey). I now feel confident being able to lead a successful team and would love to have that chance at Stanford.

Have I improved it?