Stanford Roommate essay help ("living on campus")

Hey there
This is my rough draft for my first essay for Stanford
Dont be to easy, this isnt my field of expertise
I only write history essays =P

I need help with the ending and i wasnt sure what i should write about so i choose my love of Germany, i can cook, and that I am not clean.

I have other personality traits but i didnt know what to include
I also
Love Metallica (actually listening to it right now)
love history
play guitar
do track and field
am intellectually engaging
am a Christian
play LOTS of video games
i talk alot about politics, not so much the US but government philosophy (karl marx, V.I. Lenin, ect...)
I love guns and airsofting(i didnt add this cuz it might offend or get the wrong impression about me)

So heres the prompt and essay

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate-- and us -- know you better.

Although my name is John, you will most likely call me either "Fouts" (My last name) or "German". Now you probably are thinking "okay Fouts is his last name, but German? Why that?!" and the reason is I'm take a huge interest in my German heritage. History, Culture, Food, politics, language, you name it and I'm interested. Along with my German fascination, I'm also quite the engineer. I've been tinkering with things since I can remember, making Lego sets that were meant for 10 year olds at 6, fixing a DVD player that my dad didn't even know how to fix, taking apart and putting back together a computer, and making fully functional robots out of Knex pieces. I don't use Knex or make Lego sets anymore, but I still love to fix everything that's broken and find some use for it, weather it be that broken DVD player or my old guitar. Certainly being an engineer you think I would find a way to make my room as organized as possible, but there, my friend, you would be deadly wrong! If you looked at my room now you might be shocked to call me a German with my absolutely horrendous living space. It might look like a pile of junk and an un-Prussian disorganized mess, but it is actually a clever disguise as a compact and effective filing cabinet that I could easily find anything in it, but what I'm looking for now is a great roommate that I will enjoy to spend time and have fun with over then next four years as we room together at Stanford.

Although my name is John, you will most likely call me either "Fouts" (My last name) or "German".
^Alright. This is a friendly approach. However, some people may not like it that you think that they will call you by your cultural identity. It may come off as if you already think that they will have some prejudice to you, because you are a German.

Now you probably are thinking "okay Fouts is his last name, but German? Why that?!" and the reason is I'm a German fanatic.

^Ahh kk. But that does not mean I will call you a 'German' then does it.

History, Culture, Food, politics, language, you name it and I'm interested. I wasn't born in Germany but hopefully someday I would love to move and live there. Besides being a German lover,

^I am going to comment on this part right here. A German lover. Re-read this.
A lover who is German...??

I also have a unusual love for duct tape and fixing things. I can guarantee you that if there's something that's needed to be fixed in the dorm, me and duct tape will be involved.I will use duct tape.

I've fixed everything from wall sockets to my guitar with that wonderful silver tape. Not only do you not have to worry about things getting fixed, you can always look forward to getting a awesome home made meal as well.

^
Well, lets just say if I am your room mate, I am already looking forward to a guy who will fix my stuff and make my meals ;)

Since I started high school in 2006 my mom has been teaching me how to cook some fantastic meals that'll have you sayin' "I'm thinking Fouts".

^Umm..really. I dont think I want to think about a German male lover, when I am eating food. :P

I'm not the next Emril, but I do know how to make tasty meals that put up a façade for an expensive 5 star restaurant meal.

^Not everyone likes cuisine just so you know. Id prefer a bucket of KFC any day over, for a poor example, chicken with sauteed mushrooms.

It would seam that I would be the perfect roommate, but I do have a flaw and that's my complete laziness when it comes to cleaning up.

^Not the perfect room mate...Just because you cook my meals, and fix my stuff, doesnt make you the perfect room mate!

I leave clothes on the floor, I rarely put my dishes away, and couldn't care less if that coke can on the table sat there for 3 weeks. If you looked at my room now you might be shocked to call me a German with my absolutely entropic living space.

^Wow..is this a stereotype I am reading right here?

What you see as a pile of junk and an un-Prussian disorganized mess, I see as a perfect polymerization of organization and compactness. Ultimatly...

Hmmm..you do know that this essay is also addressed to the Admissions Committee right?
Dont write this essay as if you are writing to a pen pal, who is going to be a university room mate.

In contrast to Liebe, I like almost everything about this essay. The tone is just right, and I think the admissions committee will understand that you are writing it as if you were speaking to your prospective roommate. I advise you to be less specific in describing your messiness (no need to go overboard in describing your flaws) and to fill up the space freed by excising some of that with a few of your other interests. Not many people like both listening to Metallica and reading Marx! By listing those two things, you'll establish that you are well-rounded and intellectually engaging.

I agree with Simone. Your essay is lively and engaging, and focuses on something a bit different from the vast majority of the topics picked by people writing on this topic. One thing, though:


Really? Using the resources available in a university dorm? Good luck with that. :-)

EF_Sean
Gimmie some chicken, Garlic, Olive oil, and some rosmary and you my friend will see my skills =P

And Ill have to see what other people say because I dont want to come off as a redneck Nazi loving white power freak, because sometimes my love for GERMANY does come off as that

But In fact if my friends were to describe me i think the first thing they would say is "German"
but im not sure to include this and risk coming off as a Whitepower freak, even tho in fact I do have a bit of obsession when it comes to German stuff

just nothing between 1933-1945 =P

And Liebe to your comments, a lot of people actually call me german
to be honest, only my girlfriends and parents call me john
everyone else, even my closest friends call me Fouts or German

and how would you rephrase "german lover"
i look at it now and i do realize i came off as loving Germans, not the country which literally made me LOL

and the "im thinking fouts" i was trying to use the "Im thinking arby's" phrase but when you say it does seem to come off wrong =P

And hey if they cook food and fix stuff, what more could u ask for!?

and yeah its very stereotypical, but i didnt think it would offend anyone since i cleary stated that im german, which states my comfortability with myself that i know myself well enough and comfortable with that, that i may poke fun at my own race

--- if that makes any sense... which i dont think it did...

and yeah i do know that its going to the admission committe but the other essays seem to be very humurous and easy going...

And still no suggestions to end the essay!?

Yeah, the German lover might throw people off. There is Germanophile, but it doesn't have the same flow as Francophile or Anglophile. It looks more like a made-up word to me (Hmmmm . . . my spellchecker recognizes Anglophile, but not the other two).

I agree with Simone's suggestion to lighten up on the flaws. I was thinking you sounded like just the kind of guy I'd like to room with as we have a lot in common. Okay, so I would be happy to eat Ramen noodles every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but I want to major in history or political science, I am a good Catholic boy and I play guitar--bass mostly (are you more of a Kirk Hammett or Dave Mustaine fan?). My name is Eric, but everyone (except for my family) calls me by my last name . . . Noto. I don't have the same affinity for all things Germanic, but I have been pestering my parents to start the paperwork for dual Italian citizenship. But then I got to the descriptive portion of your essay. I am not a neat-freak by any stretch of the imagination, but someone has got to throw away the moldy pizza and I wouldn't want it to always be me, *grin* This part of the essay might be a little too descriptive.

Drop the "I'm thinking Fouts." The sentence and sentiment is fine, but that particular phrase gets lost in translation from commercial to the written essay.

You might be able to end it by reiterating the positive qualities that you have already provided examples for . . . just say something like, I am easy-going, eager-to-please, and helpful.