The question is to state a challenging experience I have faced and explain what I have learned from it. This is quite personal, and I would like some feedback in terms of my grammar and overall quality of the essay. Thank you. (It is not completely finished by the way!)
She stared at the mirror intently, scrutinizing her reflection. Such behavior had become habitual, in which her flaws and imperfections were the only things visible to her. Her mind was a victim of distortion, which caused her to accept the idea that the sole determiner of one's self-worth was a number on a scale. It was evident that this individual was no longer _(name here)_, a young girl that had once been vibrant and spirited, but rather a puppet manipulated by an eating disorder. [..]
The question is to state a challenging experience I have faced and explain what I have learned from it. This is quite personal, and I would like some feedback in terms of my grammar and overall quality of the essay. Thank you. (It is not completely finished by the way!)
She stared at the mirror intently, scrutinizing her reflection. Such behavior had become habitual, in which her flaws and imperfections were the only things visible to her. Her mind was a victim of distortion, which caused her to accept the idea that the sole determiner of one's self-worth was a number on a scale. It was evident that this individual was no longer _(name here)_, a young girl that had once been vibrant and spirited, but rather a puppet manipulated by an eating disorder.
( Wow great introduction, keeps me engaged. I like how you do not introduce the person yet, she has no name yet, a clear reflection of her behavior.)
My conflict with food was a psychological challenge that caused immeasurable burden, however, also one that allowed me to learn an extremely important lesson.( This first sentence, or something similar should tie into last sentence of introduction.) I came to realize that in order to overcome this obstacle, it would be vital for me take control of my own life. My future would not be defined by my past. ( Suggestion: Begin a new paragraph here, maybe you can write a little more about the "psychological challenge")
(Great! Is the girl in the introduction the same girl in the second paragraph? Make sure you clarify this. As a reader they seem like two different experiences, tie them together:) )
Thus, I began to devote my time and efforts into extra-curricular activities, as a means of relieving my emotional distress. My role as a Youth Group Leader at church, in particular, helped me recover. Each of my students served as an inspiration for me to better myself, in order to become the best possible role model for them. Last year, I took the initiative to launch a campaign called, "Love Yourself", which addresses the importance of matters such as body image and self-esteem. My ultimate goal was to raise awareness throughout my church's community, helping guide those who may be in a similar situation that I had experienced.
(I like this you are showing the reader the actions of the recovery.)
Throughout my journey to recovery, I have learned that in order to advance forward in life, one must break free from paralysis caused by fear.
Great start! Your introduction is very vivid. I would love to hear more about the psychological challenge in second paragraph. The third paragraph is detailed as well. I would love to hear more about how your students were an inspiration to you, and your launch campaign. Your grammar is well throughout the writing piece. I am excited for the completion of this essay. Keep up the good work!
