Personal Statement Admission Essay: Leadership, Creativity, teamwork, Communitiy

Personal Statement
At Rotman Commerce, we are seeking students from diverse backgrounds who possess a strong academic record and have an interest in, and enthusiasm for, the world of commerce. Just as importantly, however, we aim to attract students who have demonstrated extra-curricular involvement that emphasizes leadership, creativity, teamwork, and community building. We believe that these combined qualities are key to ensuring one's overall success in our program.

Instructions:
In a 300-word paper, please describe how your extracurricular activities and leadership experience have prepared you to be an active contributor to, and engaged participant in, the Rotman Commerce community.

You may type your text and then paste it in the available box below (maximum 300 words)

Thomas Edison said: "Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration". I say success is the same. Success comes from the sweat and tears of hard work, experience and initiative. My inspiration started when I joined the Volunteers in Power (VIP) club with the sole desire to complete my community-service hours. The experience I gained from organizing fundraisers, charity events and promotions surprisingly triggered interest. As events flew by, I aspired more than community-service hours; I aspired to lead. As the current Communications/External Affairs executive for VIP, working with...

Please be as critical as possbile :) Currently, I am at 313 words; need to cut this down to 300.

Do you think I have answered the question correctly?

I think you clearly answered your question and the essay flows well. I especially liked where you described students skimming through your section of the newspaper.

But one thing that caught my eye was this part:
" For now, it is obvious that I have not worked hard enough to be successful in the world of commerce."
For some reason, that sentence was a little bit out of flow.. and since that is one of your last sentences, would it be better to turn it into a bit more positive note?

Such as... mentioning that you will extend your commitment in your community to the Rotman Commerce community?

It was just a tiny suggestion.. :)

That sounds very logical :)

I will make those changes soon and post them up

Thomas Edison said: "Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration". I say success is the same. Success comes from the sweat and tears of hard work, experience and initiative. My inspiration started when I joined the Volunteers in Power (VIP) club to complete my community-service hours. The experience I gained from organizing fundraisers and charity events surprisingly triggered interest. As events flew by, I desired more than community-service hours; I desired to contribute . As the current Communications/External Affairs executive for VIP, working with organizations such as the Heart and Stroke Foundation, the Canadian Cancer Society and the Toronto Foundation for Student Success (TFSS) has given me valuable experience applicable to the world of commerce. In events such as the TTC Coin Challenge, I showed leadership. I effectively notified the TTC, the TFSS and my school regarding event plans, promoted volunteer opportunities (email, announcements, posters), and supervised the 113 participating students who helped raise $2000 to decrease student poverty in Toronto.

The sudden thirst for involvement in my community fuelled my contributions in other clubs in school . As a sophomore, I fell in love with music and became a devoted writer for my school newspaper, CORE, and magazine, Enigma. Seeing students walk down hallways with my work, frantically skimming through my sections, covering sports, finance and world news, brought me joy. Musically, I formed my own band, musical Youtube channel, joined the Guitar Ensemble, Full Choir and Gospel Choir and performed in numerous school music events. Currently, I am taking piano and vocal lessons to expand my realms as musician.

In a short time, I have whole-heartedly developed commitment in becoming an engaged contributor in my community. If I am accepted, this commitment will not only extend to the Rotman community, it will strengthen. Rotman will offer me a goldmine of learning opportunities and will morph me into an active, educated and motivated young man who can tackle any challenge and succeed in the world of commerce.

I currently stand at 326 words. Any suggestions to cut this down?

The red font are changes made btw.

Thanks

I think this whole sentence should be taken out:
Success comes from the sweat and tears of hard work, experience and initiative.
There is no such thing as tears of experience or tears of initiative.

You have to make a connection between success and service instead:
One factor that will facilitate my success is that I discovered the importance of serving others when I My inspiration started when I joined the Volunteers in Power (VIP) club. to complete my community-service hours.

That way, you make a connection between the experience and the assertion about success.

:-)