Personal Essay/Personal Statement, "connection between me and science"

(This is my 1st draft so it's pretty rough)

Personal Statement:

Since I've been ten years old or so, I have always felt some kind of connection between me and science. At that time, it is like I knew I wanted to become a doctor in order to make a better life for myself and to help others in the process. It has always been apparent to me especially after the death of my late grandmother. At that time, I wish I could have done something to help her medically, so in a way you could say that my grandmother is my inspiration for becoming a doctor, specifically a surgeon one day. I take pride in helping others which is why I offered my services in high school and during my spare time away from college at a lovely facility known as Heaven's Heights. Volunteering for the elderly and mentally disabled is an enriching experience for me and I love spending time with the wise people in this establishment because I feel like I am learning from me and I learn from them even when we're playing a rousing game of bingo. One aspect of these experiences is learning to be patient with them.

A few things I like to do during my past time includes reading some novels, playing computer games, playing video games, participating in out-door sports such as tennis and a little soccer on the side, and going out for walks with my mom. Besides volunteering, I enjoy spending quality time with my family and friends. My family is very important to me and I respect and admire my parents dearly. They are my role models since they traveled to this country over twenty years ago from Nigeria and made a life for themselves here in America by getting an education. I hope to one day accomplish all my goals and I think Rice University will help me fulfill my destiny and make my parents proud.

It is obvious that I was not as strong back in high school academically as I am in college right now. Consequently, my first semester in college was not too great either. Moreover, I feel as though I have improved substantially since then however there is still a void. In order for me to reach my full potential would involve Rice University giving me a valuable opportunity to learn and grow with the help of exceptional professors to guide me. I know that if I am fortunate enough to be offered admission to Rice University would mean the world to me because I will know that I will flourish in that institution. Being at Georgia Southwestern State University for a little over a year now has been enlightening but I feel like there are more opportunities at the accredited Rice University that will better me and prepare me for my future career goals in biology.

*** I would just like to say that I really appreciate this program and also I'd really like to have specific feedback on what I should add to this in order to make it more presentable and what not. So pretty much any form of criticism would be nice. Thank you very much for your time.

Hmmm, I see that you have the problem of asking for admission even though your record is not as good as you would like. Generally, if one is going to claim that one will do better in future than the past record would indicate, one needs to give some reason or evidence to back up that claim. What led you to be not as strong academically back in high school and in your first term at college? What has changed? Have you done well in at least one semester of college? If your records are not strong, it's good to address this directly in the personal statement, but you must find some way to convince the reader that you are now ready for work at an accredited university.

As to the rest of the essay, I like it that you begin with your childhood interest in science and with your grandmother. Here, as elsewhere, you will need to make sure that your sentences are complete and properly punctuated. For example, you write

It has always been apparent to me especially after the death of my late grandmother.
There needs to be a comma before especially, but -- more importantly -- what "it" is must be specified.

In the second paragraph, you say "past times." I think you were thinking of "pastimes," which are the things you do, not a word to use for the time itself. Probably, you mean to say "free time."

But, here is the problem: These are not the kinds of leisure activities that are relevant to your academic interests or show broad curiosity about the world. If you had a hobby that was related to science, that would be something to mention. But playing video games and taking walks, while fine things to do, are not the kind of things to mention in an admission essay. Instead, tell us more about "volunteering."

In short, choose every word wisely with the aim of making every single sentence make you look like the kind of student who will succeed at that university.

Also, many university applications have an "extra" essay, one that is optional, in which you can talk about anything you feel needs explaining. If this is true in this case, you might want to dedicate that essay to explaining your apparently poor academic performance in past years, and focus wholly on your positive aspects in this essay.

Thanks for the feedback. Okay I am still working on revising it and I am also working on a few other essays as well.

I guess what I can say or mention is that "back in high school I was lacking in direction or something but now that I'm in college, preferably this past semester in college by making the Dean's List. I have the drive and motivation to do better for myself which I know I can bring to this university."

I think I will talk a little bit more about my volunteer work.

Oh and I did mean to mention "free time."

Hmm maybe talking about my strengths in another essay might help me too. I guess I can work on it but first check to see if the schools I would like to transfer to have the "extra essay" as an option.

Thank you Adanne, for your remark on the other thread. :)

This doesn't make sense. Do you mean that you lacked direction in high school, but have since discovered one, as evidenced by your making the Dean's List last semester? If so, that's probably how you should phrase it.

I think you mean "next" semester. But I would not claim that you are going to make the Dean's list right away. That sounds unrealistic, if you have been doing poorly up until now. Instead, state a reasonable goal and, most importantly, say what specific changes you have made or will make to achieve that goal.

sorry if i confused you all. Yes, I meant that back in high school I lacked direction. Also to set the record straight, I did make the Dean's List this past semester, Spring 2009. That was what I was trying to say. Again I am sorry about the misunderstanding.

Good for you !!!

Okay, but you see how the original phrasing was confusing. Simone and I each interpreted it differently, and we're both intelligent readers. So, you should revise the sentence to make sure there is no confusion on the part of your intended audience when they read it.