The application is due 12/1/12 and I would like to get as much advice as possible to write the best essay I can. Below if posted both my personal statement and diversity essays. Don't be afraid of being mean, I want honest opinions.
PERSONAL STATEMENT:
My stepmother was the main provider in our family. Her decision to stop working due to her deteriorating health had a colossal effect on my life. A responsibility to support my family fell on my shoulders. This situation created profound changes in my approach to life. Through these difficult times, I was able to work hard for those that I love, and to develop confidence in my own capabilities.
To help my family out financially I decided to find a job. I sacrificed my weekends at a local pizza restaurant to contribute as much as I could. On a dark winter night I was stuck inside mopping the floors of a post dinner rush catastrophe. As I pushed the mop across the dirty floors I glanced out the window and thought about how my friends were enjoying their Friday night. At that moment I was struck with an epiphany. Up until this point I thought the only benefit from working was money, but I was also growing into a different person. I had become a more mature, putting what was important ahead of everything else.
My family's financial struggle motivated me to put more effort into my academics. One afternoon as I was sitting on the couch watching t.v. I heard my parents yelling at each other from the other room. I couldn't make out what they were saying so I got up and started towards the door. As I got closer their words became clear. They were arguing about our family's financial situation. I rested my ear against the cold surface of the door and kept listening. I could hear the concern in their voices when they were talking about maintaining health insurance and keeping up with the mortgage. I realized that if I ever wanted to have a job that could significantly help my family I would have to improve my academic efforts. I invested more time in my studies. As a result, my grades climbed and my confidence grew.
My stepmothers decision to leave work was a double-edged sword. It has put my family in a difficult situation, but the personal growth I experienced as a result was enormously valuable and formative. I was able to reevaluate how I was living my life, and put it on the right track. As I worked to support my family and myself I became a more responsible person. I began managing my time more efficiently, giving each hour within the day purpose by maintaining my social life, grades, and work in a delicate balance. My family's situation also pushed me to improve my struggling academics. I now approach life with an entirely new perspective. These newly discovered characteristics will help me in all aspects of my life as I continue to grow and face more challenges.
DIVERSITY ESSAY:
I loved living in the city. I spent the early years of my life living in the heart of downtown seattle. In my eyes, nothing was better than the dynamic atmosphere of urban culture. When my parents told me we were moving to the suburbs I was crushed. The last thing I wanted was to be separated from the city.
My parents planned to make the move the summer before my freshman year. Words couldn't explain how angry I was at them. They just expected me to leave all of my friends, and go to a new school. I didn't want to make friends with any of the kids at my new school though. In my eyes they were boring, spoiled kids. Nothing like me. So for the first year of high school I hardly made an effort to meet anyone new.
After my freshman year, I finally started to meet new people. It was a friday night when my step sister dragged me out with her and her friends. At first I was timid to talk to anyone, but over the course of the night I began to see past my ideas towards these kids. As I got to know them better I began to realize something; they really weren't that much different from me after all. They may of have had nicer cars and larger homes, but they still had ambition and appreciation for the things in their lives, just as I did.
I've learned many things about how to approach life from moving to the suburbs. I view everything with a open mind, and try to never judge a certain culture or people before I experience it firsthand. The only thing I gained from being judgmental and hesitant of experiencing something new was the loss of priceless opportunities. Having an open mind, and putting myself out there has led me to meet some of the nicest, and most influential people in my life.
On the personal statement, elaborate on the things you learnt while working instead of just stating them. Explain HOW you learnt them, and how they NOW applies to your personality. And try to make it a little more catchy. You have very good content.Try to flower them a little.
My stepmother was the main provider in our family. Her decision to stop working due to her deteriorating health had a colossal effect on my life. A responsibility to support my family fell on my shoulders. This situation created profound changes in my approach to life. Through these difficult times, I was able to work hard for those that I love, and to develop confidence in my own capabilities.
You have a good case here to build upon. I think you also have the capability to present this more creatively. This is not badly written, but can be presented with a better punch. : ) Why not give a try?I had become a more mature, putting what was important ahead of everything else.
I had become more matured and had a clear idea how I should arrange my priorities.My family's financial struggle motivated me to put more effort into my academics.
I think this is unnecessary... You've given enough hints on this. By this point, the reader knows that your family had financial issues and you were forced to support resolving them. So I feel this whole para as sort of repetition. ... I feel you can take this point to the previous para and leave out the rest
I realized that if I ever wanted to have a job that could significantly help my family I would have to improve my academic efforts. I invested more time in my studies. As a result, my grades climbed and my confidence grew.
