Statement of Purpose to Edinburgh University (logical extention of my academics)

Hi Guys,
I need to submit my application form asap , I would be grateful if someone could look into this statement and see if it makes any sense at all.

Thank you
Ehsan
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One Thursday, I came to work and found out that a PIG was stocked in the Gas Transportation Pipeline and as a result I was given an article about computational Rheology which was very useful in helping to understand the releasing procedure of clogged up underwater/ subsurface objects. Going through that article and understanding its principal took major part of my day and at that moment I realised I would really need to come back to University and expand on my knowledge and more importantly to finish what I started.

As a graduate engineer with Iranian oil company UK I rediscovered my passion for engineering. IOC is involved in exploration of oil and gas in the UK Continental Shelf, the company holds 50% equity on a joint venture with BP in Rhum gas field which, accounts for 2% of UK gas supply as well as owning block 15/13a.

During this experience I have had extensive training in various part of the mechanical engineering, such as Mass transfer in which I became familiar with various fractionation trays such as sieve and valve trays as well as structured packings (Packed Towers). Further training includes operation and maintenance of compression facilities (LP Booster, Medium and High Pressure Compressors) used in transportation of Natural Gas,

What is more, I have built an interest in acid gas (CO2) removal of natural gas by using Cellulose Acetate membrane in Hollow Fibre Modulus configurations which was initiated as a result of a case study to assist the Acid gas management of Rhum Field in the future.

Although my academic achievements in year 2 and 3 are not stellar which, part of it was due to falling ill on my second year, nonetheless I am more mature, focused, and goal-oriented than I was at the time. Now that I have rediscovered my passion for Mechanical Engineering, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get into your program. If my more recent accomplishments, work experience and the letter of recommendation are not enough to thoroughly convince you that I belong in your program, I would welcome the opportunity to prove myself.

I would like to add that the course at your university will be the most logical extension of my academic pursuit and more importantly a foremost step towards achieving my goals in the future. In addition, this without a doubt would require an unwavering dedication, having said that I can assure you that I will live up to the challenge and hence would greatly appreciate that you consider me for admission to this course.

Yes, it makes sense. You tend to leave out punctuation marks, though, and that interferes with comprehension.

One Thursday, I came to work and found out that a PIG was stocked in the Gas Transportation Pipeline, and as a result I was given an article about computational Rheology, which was very useful in helping to understand the releasing procedure of clogged up underwater/ subsurface objects.

Going through that article and understanding its principals took the major part of my day;and at that moment I realised I would really need to come back to University to expand on my knowledge and, more importantly, to finish what I started.

In addition, this without a doubt would require an unwavering dedication; having said that I can assure you that I will live up to the challenge and hence would greatly appreciate that you consider me for admission to this course.

Furthermore, these and other sentences stretch the limits of what is permissible within a single sentence. Try breaking these and other long sentences into more concise sentences.

Hi Simone,

Thank you very much for going through the statement and I really appreciate it.

But I was wondering if you could give me a few examples of breaking long sentences into short one from the above text.

Thank you in advance.

Going through that article and understanding its principals took the major part of my day. At that moment, I realised I would really need to come back to University to expand on my knowledge and, more importantly, to finish what I started.

My less than stellar academic achievements in years two and three were partly due to falling ill on my second year. Nonetheless, I am more mature, focused, and goal-oriented than I was at the time.

Almost all of your sentences actually contain the elements of two or more sentences.

When revising for this sort of error, try reading what you have written aloud. Whenever you pause in your reading, make sure you have a punctuation mark that indicates that pause in your essay. You might still make some mistakes, but your writing will have far more commas than your original draft did, which will be a great improvement.