Personal Statement - A requirement to get a Letter of Acceptance from University

Hi,
Anyone please help me on my personal statement.
I'm still struggling to figure out how to write it properly.

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Information System is field of study focusing on the use of hardware, software, and people to manage the information. In this field, information are stored, organized, and distributed to meet a certain goal in an organization. I had been able to observe this fact when I was working as IT staff because my company was a multinational scale. As the escalation of my career, however, I wish that I can to be a Lecturer because it is a great job which is perfectly match with my passion and I believe it has great impact for my society's life since education is the foundation of mankind. Because of this, a higher degree in my education is a must and I reckon that an international experience is valuable to support my dream as a superior lecturer in order to improve Indonesia's education.

As a Bachelor of Computer Science, I studied about information system for the last 4 years in my previous university. During my stint in the college I was always interested in subject related to computer programming for example: Algorithm and Data Structure, and Object Oriented Programming because I believe these subjects laid a strong foundation in the development of information system. In addition, I possess technical skills like programming language both for desktop (Visual Basic.NET, Java) and website (PHP). These skills are very useful since a good information system requires person who understand well between user's requirements and technical implementation.

There are two main reasons that support me to choose Health Informatics as my destination. First, I want to increase society's life rate on their health. It is an unquestionable fact that technology is very beneficial in medical devices as well as their information management. Second, I realize there is a lack of qualified people on this field and I hope I can fill this position and encourage more people to study about it. Honestly, I got this idea when I was working on my previous company.

Previously I worked in a multinational manufacturing company from Japan as IT Staff, my job description was responsible to any issue regarding with software and did analyzing (sometimes with developing also) for software requirement that will be implemented in the company. I had to consider about the company's business process, people's behavior, and other boundaries. As a company with multinational scale, indeed, it has big transaction of data and complex workflow which requires rigorous analysis before a decision could be made. Working with people from different cultures & background is also something that I cannot avoid; I had to collaborate with them smoothly in order to finish my job, but instead of obstacle, I took it as a good opportunity to increase my professionalism & teamwork capability. Hence, I am sure this experience will help me to complete my Master degree in Information System.

I think the University of Melbourne can afford my desire because they have eminent quality of education and number one in their research. Moreover to these, the university has international reputation which is much respected in the world. I hope I can broaden my horizon in information system and specialize on information system of health which is offered in your course as eHealth.

Bagu, the first thing I need to know is, did the university give you a series of questions to guide you in writing your personal statement? If so, then please share the questions here so that I can compare it with your written work. If the university did not give you any questions to respond to, then it will be an open topic personal statement and the relevance of the information will depend upon you.

It would be best if you base the content of your personal statement on your ideas for your future career. Summarize your current work experience and how your experiences have led you to the door of this particular university in an effort to gain a masters degree. Talk about a research project or a professor at the university whose work has interested you. Present information about why you think that studying at their university is the only option for you. Make sure that you let them know that you have considered your options, based upon your previous academic and work experience which will match well with their student requirements.

Remember, the masters degree course is all about your future. So your discussion should not dwell on the past, nor focus too much on your present. Your personal statement should be forward thinking and allow the reviewer to get to know the kind of passionate student that you can be at their university. Be as personal as you can be in the presentation of your information in order to create a passionate plea for your admission.

My suggestion is that you revise paragraphs 2-5 in order to become less generic sounding and more personal specific by connecting the aforementioned information with your desire to attend this university. Paragraphs 2 - 5 are very good starting points in this current essay. You just need to further develop the content to be university specific.

@Holt
No, it's an open personal statement. But I try to follow your guidance on the previous revision.
Well, I have a question.
You said paragraph 2-5, does it mean 2 until 5 or paragraph 2&5?

Bagu, I apologize if I did not make myself clear enough for you. The dash sign signifies a continued series of numbers. It is commonly used in everyday English language. So when I said "paragraphs 2-5", I meant to say use "paragraphs 2 up to 5", or "paragraphs 2 to 5", or "use paragraphs 2, 3, 4, and 5". Those are the various interpretations of the meaning behind the reference to "paragraphs 2-5." The meaning remains the same regardless of how it is presented. The best parts to use for the revision of your essay are the paragraphs that start at paragraph 2 and continues up to paragraph 5. When you revise paragraph five, do not use the term "I think". Instead say "I believe" so that there is a sense of conviction and passion in your desire to attend the university.