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Statement of Purpose - University of Texas transfer essay *grammatical errors*

dianephm 1 / 1  
Sep 28, 2012   #1
I need to send this off soon so please help in any way! MUCH APPRECIATION!

Statement of Purpose

Both of my parents lived during the Viet Nam war and during that time of course, America was the place they wanted to build a life in and escape to so they did.

Growing up, I basically made a home out of my parent's alteration shop. The only thing that my actual house was used for was a place to sleep. Every morning my parents would wake me up at 5am to go to work with them until I had to go to school at 7:30am. After school I continued to stay at work with them until 9pm and even 10pm on busy seasons. By the time we drove home, which took another 30 minutes, it was already my bedtime. Now as a child, I didn't understand why we always had to be there for so long and it wasn't until I got older that I made sense of it all.

My parents were passionate and dedicated in not only building a greater lifestyle for them but for giving my brothers and I all of the greater opportunities they couldn't have. They instilled this idea into my mind that hard work ultimately would bring happiness and success and up to this day there is not a situation that this ideology can't be applied to. I have learned not to give up on anything I do including my aptitude of music.

I started violin lessons in 1st grade not because of my parents but because of my genuine interest in the instrument. At first there was excited but then soon there was frustration and anger because it wasn't as easy as the school orchestra made it seem. I can't count how many times I wanted to give up. However, my parents continued to push me and pressure me not to give up and to work harder so I did. In a short span of my elementary years, I flew by increasingly higher leveled music books, I was chosen to play at charity fundraising events with a few other students, I was picked to play many solo parts during concerts, and near the end I became one of the leaders of the schools' musical group.

During middle and high school I was automatically put into the higher orchestra level and I always worked hard to be put in the better sections. After awhile, I felt tired of the constant thing over and over again. Although I loved being a violinist in an orchestra, I wanted more out of music. I wanted to use my skills to learn other instruments and so I took basic piano lessons and then taught myself from there. I came to realize that my dedication in violin gave me a strong foundation in music alone and it made it very easy for me to pick up other instruments and play. Now I can also play the guitar and the ukulele. Singing even came naturally because of my trained ears in knowing musical notes. And by the end of my high school years, I used my musical passion to create memorable collaborations with the music group within my church, and with other individuals who also worked hard to characterize their own musical talents.

When I started college, I didn't get involved with any musical clubs or organizations. I still have my instruments with me but I only play occasionally now when I'm stressed. I realized that I needed to translate my dedication to music over to what's even more important which are higher education and the future. I want to be able to care for the health of the community in some way and the only way I would know how to is through the use of my hands. Dentistry interests me in the way that it constantly calls on the need for dexterous work. However, I also love being around kids very much and Pediatrics has also caught my attention.

Although I may have an idea as to what I want to pursue, I'm still unsure about all the other possible careers. Applying to the undergraduate studies at UT Austin will help me because it offers a great selection of classes to enroll in. I want to take a variety of classes to give me a well-rounded knowledge base to other things and to open more opportunities for me to see if there are any other subjects or careers that catches my interests.

Also, I occasionally visit Austin and have had some great experiences there. I feel like the campus environment and student community are more interconnected than a lot of other colleges I've visited. Although UTSA is a greatly improving institution, I feel there is more that the entire UT Austin experience can provide for me, intellectually, socially and professionally.

Reflecting back to my parents, they've built their shop into a strong business and now it is ranked one of top alteration stores in the greater Houston area. This is the example that reinforces their ideology they raised me with and as a result of hard work, my parent's have provided more than enough to support my three other brothers and I. This love is what drives me to achieve repayment to my parents, through hard work and success, for everything they have laid out for me.
Xeltar 2 / 3  
Sep 28, 2012   #2
Vietnam is one word, delete "so they did" in the first sentence it's redundant, explain what an "alteration shop" is (could be confusing to a reader), this seems to be it for grammatical mistakes. However, on a broader scale, your essay doesn't really fit into the application, though it might be a bit late, I would delete the third paragraph and elaborate on perhaps particularily memorable solo or concert. Also, your interests in dentistry/pediatrics should also elaborated on (for example some experience that liked music to dentistry?) to make this a really strong essay.

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