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Personal statement for USA universities


Jakii 1 / -  
Dec 24, 2023   #1
Throughout my entire life, I embarked on a journey through four remarkable families. Each family became a chapter in my tale, and contributed its unique hues to the canvas of my existence, shaping me of resilience, acceptance, unity, and gratitude. It all began when I decided to move from my parent's house at 15 to attend medical high school which was my sincere desire in Ulaanbaatar.

September 2021- The first chapter of my tale unfolded in the capital city of Mongolia, where I found myself amidst the warmth and laughter of Enkhtuya's family. Mrs.Enkhtuya was a kindergartener. She has daughters named Agiimaa and Jakii. Life in their yurt during the harsh winter months was like a new adventure in my book. Whenever I came from my school, I had to torch fire at -30 Celsius temperature. Before the fire oven, we would engage in moments of warmth and anticipation, talking about the matter that happened throughout the day. Despite the bone-chilling -30°C temperatures, our conversation was always ablaze with warmth. By living with them for months, I understand that the importance of facing challenges with laughter and unity is such an important thing.

July 2022- After living there for almost a year, I got to know Lutaa's family, who were relatives of my father. While staying at their home, Lutaa's 2-year-old daughter became my companion, helping me to leave the feelings of loneliness. Her simple greetings like "goodnight" and "good morning" were like comforting tunes, making me feel less alone after leaving my parents' house. In a short span of five months, she turned strangers into family, showing how acceptance and family love can make a big difference.

December 2022- My other journey started when I immediately needed to find another place to live because Lutaa's family decided to move. After all, I didn't know that would be interesting when It comes to staying with my uncle's family in a small one-room apartment with his wife and 2-year-old son. Even though the space was tight and everyone had different behavior and perspectives, while arguing with each other on specific topics, we all got along well and liked to debate about everything such as history, agriculture, and medical service. After a long day, we sat in a circular shape, ate dinner, and had heartfelt conversations in which I learned the strength that comes from facing life's challenges together.

March 2023- The most important part of my story happened in a friend's simple apartment. After I graduated from 11th grade I had to move again and find a new place to live. We shared the same room and she didn't have that much furniture, only a table, and some kitchen stuff. It was pretty awkward to live in the empty apartment even though there was reverberation when we talked. However, I remember that I didn't hear at least one complaint about living with nothing or about her low-income job. Instead, she always tries her best and is thankful for everything she has at that moment.

In my 17-year tale, These four families have been the most highlighting chapters in my story, each imparting invaluable lessons that have shaped the person I am today. Mrs. Enkhtuya and her daughters taught me the magic of resilience in adversity. On the other hand, Lutaa's daughter taught me with her nightly greetings and continued to weave the narrative of acceptance and companionship. In my Uncle's household, I discovered the importance of family time and consistency. While my roommate imparted the wisdom of gratitude and showed the power of appreciating the present. These families have not only provided me with a house but have become one of the family. Their influence resonates within me, shaping my aspirations for my future adventure.

In conclusion, my 27-month journey through these four families drew to a close. Too short to grasp the full depth of them yet long enough to imprint their lessons on the pages of my own tale. And so, my story continues, illuminated by the warmth and laughter of those who have touched my heart along the way.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,835 4783  
Dec 25, 2023   #2
You are overwhelming the reviewer with information and yet, still not providing information that would help him get to understand your character and how it developed in a manner that would be useful to his assessment of your candidacy based on their ideal student standards. The essay provides quick information about the families that you stayed with, but there is no clear explanation as to how they truly affected your life during your stay with them. It would probably be best if you chose the family that really had the fullest effect on your development as a person, then developed that presentation instead for the personal statement. I believe that would work best in presenting your character development in this essay.


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