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Personal statements emphasizing my accomplishments, educational and career goals



dgarci312 1 / -  
Oct 31, 2010   #1
Prompt: Write a personal statement emphasizing your accomplishments, educational, and career goals.

I've always had the passion to dance, since I was 4 years old to be exact. This passion grew more and more each day, which made me, realize what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I wanted to pursue dance as a choreographer, have my own business and teach kids the value of not just dance but the art that comes with it.

I am currently captain of the drill team at school; it's been my second year involved and first year being an officer. I've been awarded outstanding performer from the "American Dance Drill team". I received this award at officer camp, for being a great leader and standing out from all the other candidates that I competed against. I was invited to dance at the Macy Parade in Florida, but couldn't attend for many reasons. I've been rewarded many ribbons and trophy's for dance that I accomplished by practicing and showing how much dance really means to me.

Dance isn't just prancing around in tutus or ballerina shoes, there's a lot more to dance then anyone realizes. To dance you have to have passion and integrate, you have to think like if you're the best one out there and that no one can stand in your way. From my years of learning, I've accomplished many goals that I didn't think I could master in a thousand years. I learned leadership skills, how to be united with a team, respect, to be performance ready, and most of all to work hard but to enjoy every second of it.

Freshie11 - / 4  
Oct 31, 2010   #2
i dont think you need an apostrophe after which made .
you can make write about your role as a captain and what your role is as well as why you deserve that role. other than that its great :)
tstephenson 3 / 6  
Oct 31, 2010   #3
instead if using the number 4 i would spell it out
EF_Kevin 8 / 13052  
Nov 9, 2010   #4
I am going to rewrite this with correct grammar and punctuation. Please practice typing each sentence below a few times so that you can get good habits:

... I wanted to pursue dance as a choreographer, have my own business, and teach kids the value of not just dance but the art that comes with it.

I am currently captain of the drill team at school; it's been This is my second year involved and first year as an officer.

I've been awarded as Outstanding Performer by the "American Dance Drill team". I received this award at officer camp (no comma necessary here) for being...

Dance isn't just prancing around in tutus or ballerina shoes. The re's a lot more to dance then anyone some people realize.
I think this essay gets better and better as you go along. The beginning is not as interesting or meaningful as the end, I think. You have some great ideas!


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