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Stepping stone - help looking over my Motivation Statement for the Peace Corps.

mkiflai 1 / -  
Jun 30, 2015   #1
PROMPT: Peace Corps service presents major physical, emotional, and intellectual challenges. In the space below, please provide a few paragraphs explaining your reasons for wanting to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer and how you plan to overcome the various challenges associated with Peace Corps service (less than 500 words)."

From the time we are able to form complete sentence we are asked, what in theory seems like a very straight forward question: "What do you want to do when you grow up?" Most individuals respond with a profession. My answer has always been "I want to make a lasting impact on the world." Since I was in fourth grade I thought my pathway for achieving this goal was through medicine. Doctors fix people, so that's changing a life right? After a few years in college I shifted my gears. I realized that that I could help people on a larger scale, Public Health.

I went to go volunteer at a local orphanage in Nepal. While in Nepal, I saw so many people that needed medical attention in the orphanage and in the city. The problem though, wasn't that there wasn't enough doctors and nurses. It was the fact that the public was uneducated in matters of their own health and had little access to medical personnel, because the hospital was so far. It was really hard seeing so many people that I could do nothing for. I decided that if I could not help the people out in the city, I could do something about the kids at my orphanage.

I met a married couple (a doctor and nurse), while on a trek in the Himalayas and I reached out to them. I knew this a long shot, and didn't even know if they were still in town, but at this point it was worth a try. I received an email from the doctor and his wife, and they were happy to come out for the day to help out. The monk that ran the orphanage was ecstatic about the help his kids were going to receive. The doctor came out, bandaged up some of the kids and was even able to provide glasses for two of the children. To say the least, it was a very exciting day at the orphanage. The next day the volunteers at the orphanage and I were able to teach the children how to clean cuts and open sores so they wouldn't get infected. While the kids practiced putting Band-Aids on each other, I got to take a step back and be amazed at how they were so excited about helping each other.

My long term goal is to be able to partner with local doctors and nurses and provide a monthly mobile clinic that goes to underserved communities. The mobile clinic would provide medical and dental assistance to the community. The service would be free as long as the individuals attend a class that provided them information on sexual health, vaccinations, or personal hygiene etc. Even though I am a long way from this goal, I feel that this volunteer opportunity would be the perfect stepping stone from me. It would allow me to learn ways to educate a community and outreach methods. I want to be able to not only change a life, but teach them to change others' lives.
lightfox 3 / 27 24  
Jun 30, 2015   #2
Right now, I only have time to look at these two. I'll look at the rest later, but so far, I like the intro of your paragraph, but it still needed some revisions. Furthermore, you need a little work on transitioning between paragraph to paragraph. In your second paragraph, mention when you volunteered at a local orphanage in the first sentence.
lightfox 3 / 27 24  
Jun 30, 2015   #3
Okay, this paragraph is not bad in terms of content. In fact, I really like this paragraph. Good job! However, just like before, you need to work on establishing a connection between the opening sentence of the paragraph and the previous paragraph, like I did just now.

Another tip! Do NOT use contractions or other forms of abbreviations like would've, it's, etc. because this is meant to be a professional essay and people who are reading it will be ticked off if they see that.

Other than that. I really enjoyed the contents you provided in the essay. I hope my suggestions and revisions were sufficient and good luck on your endeavors. Don't hesitate to ask for more help on this site!

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