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Story of My Own - NYU Poem Prompt #2 (comment for comment?)



nogasa 14 / 35  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
Write a haiku, limerick, or short (eight lines or less) poem that best represents you.

I've never written poetry before so I don't know if i need to fix the structure or change the syntax or anything like that, so any comments about anything will be much appreciated.

I dream of seeing sights Magellan's Victoria never saw.
I yearn to be freer than even Daedalus on the wind
I long to find love Darcy and Bennett never found
I aim to be for justice what Wyatt Earp never was
I aspire to overcome what Carnegie never could
I strive to be strong where even Heracles never tread
They all have their stories
I shall have mine.

In case you don't understand the allusions:

Magellan was the leader of the first circumnavigation of the globe, although he himself didn't complete the voyage; he was killed in the Philippines. Of the five ship fleet, the only ship that made it was the Victoria.

Daedalus was the character in an ancient greek tale. He was a legendary inventor, and because of his knowledge was imprisoned by an enemy. However, using his brains he created wings out of feathers and wax, and with his son was able to fly away into the sky with his wings.

Darcy and Bennet are from the story Pride and Prejudice, and I'm not going to summarize that entire book.

Wyatt Earp was a famous sheriff and symbol of justice in the old west. He's a popular subject in western films.

Andrew Carnegie was a rags to riches story of the same period as Ford and Rockefeller. He started as a poor irish immigrant and grew to be one of the richest men in the world.

vincentcanlas 6 / 21  
Dec 28, 2009   #2
Great job!
If you are worrying about syntax and form of a poem, don't. It doesn't have to be perfect as long as you get to put some rhyme of beat some place. Or probably not, and stick with free form.

Anyhow, I admire the intelligent allusions you have made. Strong poem indeed! Keep it up.

I would appreciate any feedbacks on any of my essays.
OP nogasa 14 / 35  
Dec 28, 2009   #3
Alright I'm contemplating adding one more line to the poem.

"I look to live an adventure even Heracles would envy."

What do you think? I'm not sure whether or not to include it. If i did, i think it'd go after the line about Carnegie.

Please comment, about this or any other part of the poem, it'd be much appreciated.
lekha /  
Dec 29, 2009   #4
Wow great job! Very creative - I've had quite a struggle coming up with mine. And u should definitely add the line about Hercules - either rght before or rght after the line about Carnegie. Good luck w/ ur app:)

please take a look at my post, I'd really appreciate ur feedback!
emorris 2 / 19  
Dec 29, 2009   #5
What about "I live to battle monsters Hercules could never defeat" or something like that.

Also last line, what about shall instead of will?

Could you look over my common app essay prompt 3? Thanks!
verily - / 25  
Dec 29, 2009   #6
I aim to be for justice what Wyatt Earp could not
---
This is a little awkward

I aspire to succeed where Carnegie never did
---
Hmm.. I feel this is weaker than the others because it's a lot more general than the other ones (in the other references, you imply their specific successes like love, justice, etc. but in this one you just say success).

If it's syntax things you're looking for that's what I've found!
OP nogasa 14 / 35  
Dec 29, 2009   #7
Write a haiku, limerick, or short (eight lines or less) poem that best represents you.

Alright all the commentary was good thanks a lot guys here's the revised version. I decided to add the line in and emorris while i didn't take your line completely, it helped me brainstorm and come up with the new one. And verily you were right the Carnegie line was pretty weak, now that i look back it seems really cliche, i'm sure success is in every single essay, so thanks for pointing that out. But the Carnegie line still seems somewhat sketchy to me.

Any feedback on any part of the poem would be GREATLY appreciated! If you critique my poem and want me to do the same for you, please leave a note saying so in your comment. Thanks!

I dream of seeing sights Magellan's Victoria never saw.
I yearn to be freer than...

SEE ABOVE
qomoco 24 / 104  
Dec 29, 2009   #8
I aspire to overcome what Carnegie never encountered.

if he never encountered... doesn't that mean he didn't have the chance to overcome it?

maybe just simple as

I aspire to overcome what Carnegie never could?

and can you read my NYU essay or commmon app main essay.
OP nogasa 14 / 35  
Jan 18, 2010   #9
Okay so I submitted this app a little while ago, but now I'm wondering whether or not i should submit it to my school's creative writing club's compilation of works. Do you think it's good enough for that, or is it too novice level? Any feedback would be much appreciated.


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