Hi everyone. This is my common app essay for the topic: "Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you". Since it is my 1st draft, i wish you guys could say everything you think for my essay to improve. I appreciate your helps!
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"Can you give me 2000 dong? I have not eaten for nearly two days! I am so hungry!" - a little boy sitting on the sidewalk begged me weakly as he did not have any energy left. The weather that time was so cold. The freezing wind made my hand numb and my body tremble. It was Noel five years ago. Opposite to people around who were wearing beautiful warm jacket and enjoying such a great event like Noel, the boy just wore a thin T-shirts and put on a torn blanket. He seemed to be marginalized from the happy warm atmosphere of Christmas.
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P/s: I know i am not a good writer so criticisms are very welcome!
"Can you give me 2000 dong? I have not eaten for nearly two days! I am so hungry!" A little boy sitting on the sidewalk begged me weakly as if he did not have any energy left. The weather that time was so cold. The freezing wind made my hand numb and my body tremble. It was Noel five years ago. Opposite to the people around who were wearing beautiful warm jackets and enjoying such a great event like Noel, the boy just wore a thin T-shirts and put on a torn blanket. He seemed to be marginalized from the happy warm atmosphere of Christmas.
My heart suddenly writhed when I saw the boy. After a few seconds, I gave him some money which I now can not remember how much. The boy was just a model example of thousands of street children in my country. Every time I went to school, I used to see many children wandering along the street asking for money, selling the paper or finding someone to polish their shoes. Some of them were very young as they looked to be six or seven years old children. Whenever I saw them, a feeling of remorse invaded me. I was older than most of them; however, while I was going to school everyday, having fun with my friends and still being dependent, these kids had to earn a living by themselves and did not have a chance to enjoy the happiness of going to school.
The street children matter is prevalent in Vietnam. These children usually have disadvantaged circumstances. Some of them have their parents divorced; some have their parents died and most of them, because of the poverty, do not have money to go to school and have to start working from a very young age. Because they are exposed to life so early and lack of the guidance from parents, they easily get into crimes such as drugs and robbery. I believe this issue must be solved immediately in order for these children to have happy and memorable childhoods like many other kids, for our country to reduce the amount of crimes and to better our young generation.
Since I am volunteering for the Blue Dragon- an organization that protects street children- I have the opportunity to get to know those children better and this issue is indeed important to me. By teaching them English and playing with them, I realize that they are all well-behaved and pure children. They always smile despite of their tough life. although they prefer playing to studying, they still finish all of their homeworkson time. They always live their best for every moment they play and study at Blue Dragon. The experiences with them have given me many lessons. I have learned from them the way to live significantly every single second of life. I also learn how to smile in every difficult situation because it will help me to be stronger.
Street children issue has a great impact on me. I have done a project to provide books freely to poor children in Thai Binh- a poor province- with the hope that they will not have to stop their study because of poverty. Besides the passion for Math, this issue is also the motivation for me to study accounting in college. With the knowledge that I will learn from college, I hope I can contribute to Vietnam's economy. As our economy grows, we will have money to provide poor children the opportunity to go to school. Particularly, I believe a good accounting degree will help me to get a good job with a good salary, which will not only afford my life, but also give me some amount of money to donate to Blue Dragon. I hope that with my contribution, more and more children will have a better life and be able to continue their studies.
All of the errors that I found are highlighted and crossed out.
Although there are some writing mistakes, this is a very touching essay. You seem to be a very caringa and considerate person. The world could use more people like you. I'm sure that any college you apply to will accept you. GOOD LUCK! =)