"studying finance" - Elaborating My Future

Here is my 2nd post, an essay about my academic interest and personal goal. I'd really appreciate any kind of comments.. and it's due real soon,, so pleasseeee,,, try to make a time to read and comment..

thanks thanks thanks

Elaborating My Future

I had not decided to major in business, finance specifically, until some September 2010. I know it was risky to procrastinate on such crucial decision, but I think I would be even worse to make an arbitrary choice. Once I made up my mind on studying finance, it would be the only major I would check on my applications.

After long thoughtful considerations, weighing my own ability, interest, talent, and predilection, and gathering information from experts on each field, I decided that finance is the best field to seek for the fullest extent of my ability and personality. Although I chose science as my field of study in high school, which is not directly related to any business majors, it has nonetheless confirmed my choice in some way. My strong ability in mathematics and other science subjects were the base for my choice, it proved my capability to operate and solve problems that involve mathematical equations; while my inquisitiveness, urge to enhance my critical thinking, and zeal were the ultimate decision making factors. The latter were those that eliminated engineering out of my consideration.

My preference is lucid: I want to think, analyze, and most of all, solve; thus, being a professional financial advisor would be a dream comes true. I am aiming high at working in leading professional services firms, such as Ernst and Young, which embrace a similar goal with that of mine. Such companies help individuals or corporations to overcome their difficulties in deciding the best alternative to invest their money and to make the most profitable decision in business, which are what I envision I would be doing enthusiastically at the future. I believe, getting accepted at the University of Illinois would drive me leaps closer to achieve my goal.

Hello Jane,
You don't need to think out loud in your essay, especially in the first sentence. Only in the middle of your second paragraph did you provide relevant information. I completed your sentence by defining finance as your choice. Stating a positive is easier to understand than a negative (as in your first sentence.)


"while my inquisitiveness, urge to enhance my critical thinking, and zeal were the ultimate decision making factors. WHAT ULTIMATE DECISION MAKING FACTORS?? The latter were those that eliminated engineering out of my consideration. WHICH LATTER ELIMINATED ENGINEERING? CRITICAL THINKING AND ZEAL? WHY SO?


Thinking, analyzing and problem solving are general aspects, not exclusive to the financial adviser profession...engineer,s scientists, teachers, even housewives have these skills. Upon re-reading your essay several times, I still did not have a clear idea of what makes finance fit YOU as you describe yourself. Aside from rationalization, was there anything else that made you want to be a financial adviser? Role models? Ambitions? Highschool adviser?

Some suggestions/corrections:



Here is a more direct way to make your point:
I envision enthusiastically working with companies that help individuals or corporations overcome their difficulties in deciding on the best investments to invest their money and to make the most profitable business decisions.

Hi Jane the, your name is familiar because you are helping a lot of people lately, Thank you!


Well... fine, do this finance program for a few years, but I hope you also make time to study the subjects you become interested in from day to day... like Chinese Medicine. Maybe that is your real calling. :-)

With a career in finance, you can do the other things you want to do, too.

I believe, getting accepted at the University of Illinois would drive me leaps closer to achieve my goal. This sentence is a bad ending, because it is boring, but if you want to use it fix these:

I believe getting accepted to the University of Illinois would drive me leaps closer to achieving my goal.

Get specific!
:-)

Thank you for your critique, I really appreciate it. Although, it's kind of a bit too late, I've submitted my essay like almost last week.

Hopefully after reading and understanding your corrections, I'll be able to make better essays.
Thanks anyway for the advice on studying Chinese medicine, I'll take it into consideration as well..=)