Studying Mathematics - My personal statement

this is my personal statement and my teacher said that i had to improve my closing paragraph by developing it further but i dont know how to any help would be appreciated

I find Mathematics both appealing and intriguing. The endless enjoyment of problem solving and calculations keeps me occupied for hours and the sense of satisfaction I get from the end result is incomparable. Being intrigued by mathematics gives me the motivation to make the best of my abilities and give 100% every time.

What I enjoy the most is Trigonometric proofs. The way in which you can use basic axioms, logical processes and reasoning to derive mathematical proofs is what appeals the most to me in Mathematics. Having taken Mathematics for A level I have been introduced to new concepts and ideas, like being able to draw a well constructed line of best fit using a 'y on x' (or x on y) regression line, rather than doing an educated estimate with a ruler. This shows that the smallest things in maths can also be broken down and explained and understood further; this then can be applied to similar situations in life where it can help you make decisions.

Studying Mathematics helps me in my other subjects. For instance, Chemistry is influenced by Mathematics and enables me to rearrange and solve equations. By studying Religious Studies I am able to argue my point across, proving that there is more than one solution to problems and show how to reach the same result via a different route.

Outside of school I like to play football; this demonstrates that I work very well within a team. Also I go to the gym regularly in order to keep fit. Furthermore I like to read in order to widen my knowledge and vocabulary; recently I have read 'How long is a piece of string' by Roberts Eastaway. I found it easy to relate to the book because it identifies situations I am familiar with. For instance, we have 12 months but to think if the moon were to orbit around the Earth faster or slower then we might have 13 or even 11 months. This shows not only how Mathematics is used in everyday life but its importance too.

The past 2 years I have been chosen to be a prefect which includes representing the school at Open Evenings and Taster Days. This shows that I am a respectable student and responsible. Being a Prefect, I carry out Prefect Duty once a week in our canteen. By being assertive I can ensure that school rules are obeyed and good standards of behaviour are maintained at all times. This has been a rewarding way to give something back to the school. As a Sixth Form we raise money for a chosen charity each term and I generally take a leading part in the organisation. This has developed my communication skills and provided scope to use my initiative. I also have excellent organisation skills whether it's meeting deadlines for homework or organising a stall at our annual sponsored walk, for charity.

At the moment I am uncertain as to what path I will be taking after University but having a Mathematics degree will open up many career choices. I will look forward to meeting and working with other students who share the same passion and interest in Mathematics as I do.

Okay, I like the first two paragraphs where you talk about math but then it starts talking about football and there is no bridge/connection made. Then after you explain the things that you do outside of school, you go back to saying you want to study math at the end. I don't really see how the fourth and fifth paragraphs fit. The first three are good though and I think if you transitioned better like you did in the third, it would sound better overall. Just remember you're writing an essay so it has to have strong transitions and body paragraphs as well as substance.

In Religious Studies I am able to argue my point across, proving that there is more than one solution to a problem and show how to reach the same result via a different route.

...recently I have read 'How Long is a Piece of String?' by Roberts Eastaway

For instance, we have 12 months, but to think were to orbit around the Earth faster or slower, then we might have 13 or even 11 months.

By being assertive I can ensure that school rules are obeyed and good standards of behavior are maintained at all times.

:)

Kevin