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UC Essay Success; it can be defined in an infinite number of ways

jahnavi 1 / 2  
Nov 21, 2009   #1
UC Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from, like family, and relate it to your dreams and aspirations

Success can only be defined in an infinite number of ways. F. Scott Fitzgerald exceptionally portrays Myrtle's interpretation of success through her greediness in The Great Gatsby due to the importance given to financial success surrounding her. In contrast, Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird strives to achieve success through his altruism in a time of prejudice against African Americans. Similarly my interpretation of success has transformed through the various circumstances I have encountered.

Before I was born, my parents had the perfect cookie-cutter life planned out for me. They protected me like bubble-wrap, shielding me from the outside world while trapping me in their ideals. They made sure that education and relationships were the two most important things in the world to me. I soon acclimated to these traditional Indian values, resembling the modest, successful daughter they have always wanted. I also developed an impractical phobia of the sun due to the customary Indian values of possessing fair skin; going so far as to hide behind trees and lurk in shadows. But along with these values, they also made sure to set boundaries; hesitant to let me experience the sorrows and pains of the ominous world. But when the shielding bubbles popped in the beginning of high school, I was pushed head-first into the real world; full of chaos and conflict. As a result, the perfect shape of my life started crumbling.

Discovering to balance my Indian heritage and American surroundings was one of my biggest challenges. Especially while trying to make decisions involving time, trying to balance seizing the day and keeping in mind the future consequences. Due to this, I normally would either go to the extremes, procrastinating, or not leaving the house. As a result, I thought the best solution would be to suppress my Indian background, but eventually I realized that in today's modern society, people are not concerned about where I come from as much as where I am going. Part of my realization was an outcome of Barack Obama's election, which proved society's revolutionizing outlook towards different cultures. Another part of this insight came from my parents, particularly my dad. He grew up with a modest upbringing, but managed to graduate with a P.H.D. and now works as a top engineer in America. He is one of the most respected people I know, and my goals have been shaped around trying to emulate his success by becoming a doctor, one of the hardest and most valued professions.

I also realized, not long ago, that even with society's transforming attitude towards different races, discrimination still exists due to the exterior components of a person. This conclusion has led me to my aspiration to become a dermatologist, the one type of doctor who solely practices to improving external disease rather than internal. I aspire to help people become successful in the world by helping people rid of their scars. I believe people have the right to portray what they want to, and conceal what they don't. Overall, by choosing to be a dermatologist I learned to place one foot in two worlds , obtaining the respect given to doctors from my Indian culture and helping the American society I exist in.

Although my world consists of numerous limits and boundaries, I have crossed them several times, doing the unexpected. But my determination to maintain the respect I get from my parents always lures me back, because in my opinion, this is my definition of success. \

orange07245 1 / 6  
Nov 21, 2009   #2
A P.H.D. in medicine is considered one of the hardest titles to earn, and therefore, it is also one of the most respected professions.

I don't think the following sentence is really necessary, because you are mostly talking of success and i think it doesn't really fit in.

Overall, it is very well written. Good Luck!
citadel01 2 / 5  
Nov 21, 2009   #3

All your semicolons should actually be commas, since semicolons are supposed to join two independent clauses like two separate sentences.

soon acclimated to these traditional Indian values

Success can only be defined in an infinite number of ways.

On the whole, both your essays are pretty good!
OP jahnavi 1 / 2  
Nov 22, 2009   #4
Describe an experience that has a profound effect on you

Horns fruitlessly blazed on the busy, crowded intersection. Clouds of dirt formed everywhere as the tires roll on the dirt road, and one by one, the cars stopped. As the air cleared, dim outlines of emaciated bodies emerged, sticking their dirt-covered hands into any open car window, begging for a little change. These soiled figures were the poverty-stricken orphans in India.

On this particular day, during one on my trips to India, my family was on the road, eagerly waiting to attend my cousin's wedding. When the slow traffic came to an abrupt stop, dozens of children appeared, bearing their open palms. As they approached, one by one, the car windows closed, and one by one, the children's hopes of a meal that day died.

They continued through the traffic, each time becoming more disappointed. People were too occupied in their own affairs, and the children seemed to realize this, and their hopes dwindled to nothing. The people in the cars didn't realize this, but they were committing one of the greatest atrocities; taking away someone's hope. But suddenly, as they approached the end, a lady stepped out of her car. Slowly, she reached into her car, and pulled out a small black purse. She gave each kid some money, and as this was happening, I started to observe the other cars. I could tell that the people, who paid no attention to the orphans before, were now contemplating whether or not to get out of their cars. Many, ridden by guilt, stepped out to save their pride, but not to save the children. This incident made me realize that people are willing to sacrifice anything in order to preserve their pride.

At twelve years old, this was the first time I became aware of the incentive behind human actions. Though human aspiration to maintain pride may be wrong, it is a powerful motivator, and realizing this I observed how one woman used this primitive instinct to help people like the orphans. Before this, I used to doubt that one person really could have a significant effect in the world, but this experience opened my eyes to the extent of one human's influence, even enough to impact world poverty forever. Therefore, one goal of my life has been finding ways to help the less fortunate by making the more fortunate see the good in giving.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Nov 23, 2009   #5
Success can only be defined in an infinite number ...

I don't think "only" goes with "infinite."

They protected me like bubble-wrap, shielding me... -----> nice!!!

He grew up with a modest upbringing but managed to graduate with a P.H.D., and now he works as a top engineer in America. ---> do you like it better this way? I do.

How about a dash:
This conclusion has led me to my aspiration to become a dermatologist -- the one type...

I like it!! I wish dermatology could be mentioned at the start of that first essay, and not just at the end.

You write very well. Watch out for verb tense consistency:
Clouds of dirt formed everywhere as the tires rolled on...

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