I need critique and help with revisions for my UC personal statement. Any feedback will be appreciated.
Prompt:"Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
"We had to put him into the Intensive Care Unit," the doctor said. I felt cold and chills run up my spine. My mother was speechless and her eyes were swollen red. I could not stand to see her sadness so I stepped out to the hallway. No tears came out of me as my eyes had already been dried out by two weeks' worth of crying. My father was diagnosed with pneumonia and his condition got worse every single day. It was too soon for him to go. I never had the chance to make him proud or ever hear him say "I love you" to me.
I grew up with a father who was never really supportive of my actions and said things that were very demoralizing.
"What are you? Stupid? You can't tie a knot? At your age I would wake up at five am to gather fire wood and you can't even do this?" As early as the age of eight, such words beat me down and made me feel useless like a broken penny. He also never really supported me, especially in academics and would prefer me to be working. I remember freshman year I got a 4.0 GPA and I was extremely excited as this could be my one chance to make him proud. He looked at my grades for a second, nodded his head, and reminded me of all the chores I had to do outside the next day. All I ever wanted to do was make him proud.
After a month in the hospital, my father finally got better. It was a slow recovery, almost 6 months, but he was back on his feet. The excitement I had to see him on his feet was immeasurable. It was during that time that I realized; I belonged in the medical field. I wanted to bring the same joy my father's doctor brought to me and give it to my future patients and their family. Shortly after, I came to the conclusion of becoming a Sports Physician because I had played soccer ever since I was seven. It was the best of both worlds as I could do something sports related which; I love, and combine it with the medical field.
With my arms holding my knees to my chest while sitting down on the hospital floor, I promised something to myself. A single tear fell down my cheek as I thought what I would do different from now on. I would focus a lot more in school to be able to get into college and from there on acquire a successful career. Life is too short so I made sure to dream big. I am determined to reach my goals and one day hear him say, "I am proud of, son."
Prompt:"Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
"We had to put him into the Intensive Care Unit," the doctor said. I felt cold and chills run up my spine. My mother was speechless and her eyes were swollen red. I could not stand to see her sadness so I stepped out to the hallway. No tears came out of me as my eyes had already been dried out by two weeks' worth of crying. My father was diagnosed with pneumonia and his condition got worse every single day. It was too soon for him to go. I never had the chance to make him proud or ever hear him say "I love you" to me.
I grew up with a father who was never really supportive of my actions and said things that were very demoralizing.
"What are you? Stupid? You can't tie a knot? At your age I would wake up at five am to gather fire wood and you can't even do this?" As early as the age of eight, such words beat me down and made me feel useless like a broken penny. He also never really supported me, especially in academics and would prefer me to be working. I remember freshman year I got a 4.0 GPA and I was extremely excited as this could be my one chance to make him proud. He looked at my grades for a second, nodded his head, and reminded me of all the chores I had to do outside the next day. All I ever wanted to do was make him proud.
After a month in the hospital, my father finally got better. It was a slow recovery, almost 6 months, but he was back on his feet. The excitement I had to see him on his feet was immeasurable. It was during that time that I realized; I belonged in the medical field. I wanted to bring the same joy my father's doctor brought to me and give it to my future patients and their family. Shortly after, I came to the conclusion of becoming a Sports Physician because I had played soccer ever since I was seven. It was the best of both worlds as I could do something sports related which; I love, and combine it with the medical field.
With my arms holding my knees to my chest while sitting down on the hospital floor, I promised something to myself. A single tear fell down my cheek as I thought what I would do different from now on. I would focus a lot more in school to be able to get into college and from there on acquire a successful career. Life is too short so I made sure to dream big. I am determined to reach my goals and one day hear him say, "I am proud of, son."