What was the surroundings in which you grew up? Explain how it shaped you as a person.

As a young girl, I grew up with my dad in the Navy Reserves. I was always proud of him for that and the fact that the military was a part of my family background because of him and others in my family as well. It wasn't too difficult until he had to leave to Kuwait for 8 months. He would miss majority of my Kindergarten year and it was up to my mom to care for me and my sister while he was away.

In the past, my dad would only have to leave for two weeks at a time and while it seemed like a long time to a little girl, it was bearable. At first, I didn't understand the depth of what my dad was telling me and my sister when he told us he had to go away for 8 months. But as he further explained I could only think about everything he would miss and everything my mom would have to do without him. After he left, my sister and I tried our best to help our mom the best we could.

My sister and I took it upon ourselves to ensure we facilitated the transition, not make it arduous. As it was only my Kindergarten year, my best consisted of bringing home good grades to make my mom proud of me. It was one of the few things I thought I could do to help my mom because I knew how tough it was for my mom to handle the school year alone. After a while, performing my best took less effort and became habit over time.

When my dad initially announced he would be going away for 8 months to Kuwait, I never would have thought it would impact my education standards. I learned that I cherish my education and desire to excel in everything I set my heart and mind to. Ever since my first school year, I have continued to hold myself to this standard of success and appreciate the results every year.

Although my dad's absence was bitter throughout the year, it helped me develop into the student I am today. I learned the value of a quality education and the results that come with it. I have always practiced this lesson throughout my schooling and I believe it will only be a beneficial attribute as a college student as I pursue my future goals.

Rachel, there are two major points of the prompt that should be elaborated. First, it is about the environment in which you were raised and second, how the environment shaped you as a person. As I read the whole essay, it is indeed that you have answered those questions but I think you have over-explained the first prompt. It took 4 paragraphs to explain the environment in which you were raised and you only gave a paragraph to explain how it shaped you as a person like what you said in the end "it helped me develop into the student I am today". It might be quite too late I guess.

However, I have a suggestion for you on how to structure the paragraph for this kind of essay, but it is up to you whether you want to follow my suggestion or not. It is just my opinion. Thus, I reckon that you just need to insert a paragraph before the last one and focus on explaining how your dad's absence can shape you to be a better person. It might not be just only two sentences explanation like in the very last part of your essay. You can elaborate the idea "the value of a quality education and the results that come with it".

Hope this helps :)

Rachel, here is the thing, your essay will be a lot stronger if you discuss the so-called "military brat" life that you had because of your father's work in the military. That is the environment that you were raised in and that is how you developed as a person. Telling a story that comes from your kindergarten years isn't exactly justifying the environment that you were raised in. Mostly because you were not yet conscious of the world that evolved around you. Hence the simplicity of your statement and lack of proper attention to the details that this essay really requires. Notice that you mention that your dad left for Kuwait at least twice in the essay? That just proves that the background and foundation of the recollection you are sharing is shallow in nature and not really strong enough to make a remarkable response to the essay.

In order to improve the essay, you should discuss what is was like growing up on a military base (if that is where you live or lived) and how your exposure to the military family life helped you to develop a unique understanding of the world you live in. How did your father's absence affect your mindset in particular? Surely he was away more times than just the 8 months that you discuss in this essay. Why not discuss your mother and how she coped with the single parent aspect of raising you and your sibling all of these years? How different are you from your friends because of the unique upbringing that you had? These are the interesting points that should be referred to in your essay and not a situation that happened during Kindergarten because you were definitely too young to have that kind of understanding of what was going on. Make no mistake, the reviewer will be thinking the same thing and will decide that your narrative isn't as strong as it should have been.

He would miss a majority of my Kindergarten ...

... ensure we facilitated the transition, not make it arduous. facilitated and arduous don't match the diction in the rest of your essay. I'd keep one or the other but not both

everything I set my heart and mind to (kind of a cliche, but your choice)

@Holt
Thank you for your advice but I would not consider myself a "military brat" as I was never forced to move several times because of the military. And, as I mentioned in the essay, he did have to leave more times before and after this certain trip but never more than two weeks. Due to the fact that he was in the Reserves and not active duty, this was the longest trip he took away from us. This was the only time my mother really had to cope with the "single parent" thing, but I see your advice on how I could elaborate on that more during this specific time. I understand why you see how I was too young to fully comprehend the situation, but I was still greatly affected and wouldn't consider it like anything that happened during Kindergarten. Again, thank you for the advice!