'a sweet tooth for the independent life' -Describe One Activity

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

The sweater was so itchy. I wanted to scold myself for wearing the cursed garment to my first job interview, but I smiled and tried to emulate Grace Kelly, Princess of Monaco, even though I was Grace Wei, pubescent 10th grader. It was precisely my teenage ambition for independence in the form of a part-time job at at a workplace that compelled me to send over 100 resumes in person and online. Despite my sweater plight, I was hired for a job at Cinnabon Bakery. I became the first out of my same-age peers that had a workplace to go to. At first, I was responsible for serving customers and washing dishes, but after witnessing my smooth interaction with customers, my manager placed me at the storefront permanently. Somewhere between rolling dough and selling cinnamon buns, an awkward teenager bloomed into a confident student who bantered with businessmen and models who stopped for coffee. Somewhere after my 23rd free chocolate cupcake, I developed a sweet tooth for the independent life.

Thanks everyone for the help :)

The sweater was itchy .
Grace Wei, a pubescent 10th grader.
The 'at' in the third sentence is repeated. I don't think same age is required before peers.

The rest is good. :)

Grace

Nice ending and overall a lovely essay! I like the Grace Wei-Grace Kelly comparison.


Not really necessary, you could use this to expound more on the job.


This sentence either.

Hope this help!

Thanks you guys! I checked out your essays as well.

Grace Wei - Grace Kelly comparison is awesome. Nice essay. However I guess if you apply to Ivy Leage and stuff it is just not serious enough, I am not saying that it shouldn't be funny. Just say more about your attitude to the job, the fact that you needed it and took it seriously.

I agree with abnk599. It's just what I wanted to say!

Thanks for all the advice, this is my revised copy!

I wanted to scold myself for wearing such an itchy sweater to my first job interview. Nevertheless, I smiled and tried to emulate Grace Kelly, Princess of Monaco, even though I was Grace Wei, a pubescent 10th grader. It was precisely my teenage ambition for independence that beckoned me to hunt for a part-time job. I was hired at Cinnabon Bakery, where I was at responsible for customer service and washing dishes. On the first day of work, the dish gloves were torn and the icy water numbed my fingers. I had only conquered half of the mountain of greasy baking trays after an hour of overtime work. However, after witnessing my smooth interaction with customers, my manager placed me at the storefront permanently. Somewhere between rolling dough and selling cinnamon buns, an awkward teenager bloomed into a confident employee who bantered with businessmen who stopped for coffee. Somewhere after my 7th free chocolate cupcake, I have developed a sweet tooth for the independent life.

Your essay is great. Your extra curricular activity is well explained and the essay is generally flowing well with very few mistakes. The essay shows a lot about you which is quite impressive.

I was hired at Cinnabon Bakery, where I was responsible...
Great job and good luck!

...I was hired at Cinnabon Bakery, where I was at responsible...
I meant...the "at" is not applicable! Sorry for the mistake.

I like this! it's funny while getting to the point. Please read mine if you have the chance!