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I want to become the best version of myself. Dream Person/ How can Syracuse help?

kerry2654 13 / 37 12  
Dec 31, 2015   #1
This is just a start but the direction I want to go in is how Syracuse's community would help me express myself better.

Syracuse University Supplement 2
Word Count: 169

Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this? (250 words)

I want to become the best version of myself. Someone who is fearless. Someone who takes advantage of every opportunity. Someone who ventures outside of their comfort zone. In high school, I limited myself by focusing too much on my personal and academic regrets. How I should've never gained so much weight. How I should've learned how to drive earlier. How I should've dressed better. How I should've never failed a class. How I should've taken AP classes junior year. How I should've gotten at least a 30 on the ACT. I never grew by holding myself back and living in the past.

Now, I plan to move forward at Syracuse University. Initially I assumed that a large university wasn't the best for my reserved personality; however, I realized college life is what you make of it. With Syracuse University's various activities and especially as an aspiring music communications major, social interaction is inevitable. Syracuse's lively community aims to involve everyone so I shouldn't be afraid to expand myself.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 31, 2015   #2
Kerry, you need a better hook to open this statement with. Try to find a quote from a notable name that would best describe the person you would want to be in the future. Hopefully, that quote can come from a Syracuse graduate so that the impression will be that you have a direct or personal involvement with Syracuse and understand how the university can be of help to you.

Right now, the opening statement is too dry and lacks in imagination. It doesn't really come across as appealing because of the general information you have provided. If you say you want to be the best version of yourself, consider first, what your goal for your future is, how you plan to achieve it, and why you think that the future version of yourself will be an updated version of who you are right now.

Analyze the objectives of Syracuse as a university. Do you see yourself becoming a person similar to who they envision their students to be? What offerings, academically and socially, does the university offer which can help shape the person you are to become? Why do you think that those connections can help?

It is no use mentioning your past and regrets in this essay. Those are irrelevant already. What the university wants to know about is how you will be a better person after having attended their institution. That is what you should concentrate on developing as your response.

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