Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental

This is my Boston College Supplemental essay. I need help on both grammar and content review. Any response is appreciated. Thank you.

Please be brutally honest!

1)Human beings have a creative side that tends to shine most when we are truly invested in the world around us. Describe a situation when you responded effectively to a particular need and found yourself at your creative best.

When I joined the Students in Action Team, as a Big Sister mentor last year, I was assigned eight elementary students to work with who needed help in math. I began to prepare worksheets and thought teaching younger students was an easy task.

On a Friday afternoon, I went to the middle school campus, and started to teach the kids. As I wrapped up the solution to the seventh problem on the board, and asked the little ones for their answers, I turned around, only to see two students sleeping, three students doodling on paper and the rest jumping on top of tables. Putting my packets aside, I kindly asked them to sit back in their seats and listen, but they ignored my directions.

For a couple of weeks, I chased the kids in and out of the classrooms. I did not know how to handle them, but I wanted to make sure that the students excelled in math. Then, a light bulb went off in my head. Instead of going by the traditional route of preparing math worksheets, I decided to create fun and engaging math games such as bingo, matching, and board games. I took the time to perfect these games by adding glitter, using colored paper, and putting stickers around the games. As a bonus, I also bought candy as a compensation to give to the kids.

I came in, the next week, with my new set of learning materials. As I pulled up the colorful games from my bag, the kids were instantly excited. I handed each student a bingo card, and, after every round, gave the winner a Hershey's chocolate bar. The kids were thrilled to be able to learn and engage themselves through the process. They eagerly solved the math problems through these games; some students even started to attempt challenging math questions, which involved fractions. I felt proud to be able to see those students excited for math; now, they all looked forward to the after school mentorship club.

I stayed with those kids until the end of the school year, and it has been a pleasure to help them learn and grow. As they grew, so did I. I grew out of the notion that learning happens with paper and pencil. Rather it happens through involvement, engagement, communication and, most importantly, having fun.

Mualla, while I understand that the group you belonged to was some sort of Big Sister program, it would be beneficial to the reviewer if you gave a simple background explanation of the group and how you ended up being assigned to teach the kids Math. That is a glaring gap in the essay that actually affects the way that a reviewer would receive or understand your essay. Did you volunteer to teach Math? If so, why? If you were assigned to this task, explain what skill you have that made the powers that be in the organization consider you the perfect person for the Math program with the children.

More importantly, since you were only a tutor for the students, why did you decide to throw yourself totally into their math learning sessions? What is the backstory in that? What motivated you to improve your teaching style when others would not mind if nobody listened to them because this is just a volunteer task anyway?

This is actually one of your better developed essays. The grammar and sentence structure problems are minimal and can actually wait for editing. Concentrate on perfecting the content first, then we can work out the remaining simple problems of your essay.

Hi holt,
So I made a couple of changes and when you have a chance could you please take a look at this version of my supplement. What do you think of this version?

Hey Mualla, the essay is developing quite well. I hope you won't mind adding more content to the essay because there are still some aspects that require development or adjustment in order to make the essay even better. While you explained that the students were struggling in math, and you wanted to help them learn to enjoy math just as you do, it is not enough of a reason to say that you had enough reason to truly invest in their learning.

What we need to find is a personal connection between you and the plight of the students. For example, you could explain that when you saw them ignoring you, there was a sense of frustration that began to develop on your part. Then explain that you refused to give up on them because they were "at risk" youth who would most likely drop out of school if they did not get the help they needed academically because they could not see that there were rewards in store for them if they completed their education.

That is how you can make your story about using interactive games to teach them more effective in the narrative. This is the highlight of the story and shows how you indirectly taught the students that with hard work comes positive results (the candy bar). That would show a true investment on your part in the future of the kids you were mentoring.

I'm sorry about having you do these additions but I feel that these are necessary in order to further strengthen the message and concept being delivered by your narrative.

Holt,
Did you mean something like this? And Holt you do not need to say sorry. I was literally smiling for your comment. Your comments are so meaningful! And please criticize and make suggestions freely if you feel the need to do so.

Mualla, might I suggest a new opening for your essay? I would like to present a balanced image of you as a mentor, student and participant in the program with a personal interest in the outcome of the program. Please consider something along the following lines for your revised first few paragraphs. :

"Do you think you would be up to the challenge?" My team leader asked me while he was handing out our activities for the year.

"It's just seven kids that need help with their Math. I can do it". I responded with the confidence of a person who has spent most of her life enjoying the complexities that come from solving math problems. So off I went to the classroom. Confident that by the end of our first meeting, these students would be just as in love with Math as I was. I was horribly mistaken.

The classroom didn't depict a typical learning environment. As I tried to explain to the students how to properly divide fractions, I had to battle for their attention as some of them decided to chat with one another, others were walking on the tables, and some were dozing off in class. One thing was certain as I looked them over, holding my temper and struggling not to voice out my anger and frustration. These students were hopeless and would out of school youths in no time. I refused to accept that fate for these students, who are the future of my country. As a Big Sister mentor at the Students in Action organization, part of my duty was to make sure that I helped to inspire these "at risk" youths to dream of a better future for themselves. I knew I could inspire them somehow. I just had to figure out how to do it.

Being a student myself, I decided to turn to books written by professionals in order to develop a method of catching the attention of the kids. I was a mentor who cared about their future. I wanted to be sure to prepare them for the high school education and SAT's. However, the books did not seem to hold the answer to my query. Instead, I found the answer in the most unbelievable place, watching my younger siblings learn the alphabet while they played a game ...

This type of presentation should better engage the reviewer when reading your essay. Mine is merely a suggestion as to how you can better develop the first two paragraphs of your work. You can use it as an example of how to revise your work or, you can use what I wrote in your essay. Trust me, I won't mind if you that. I hope my suggestions continue to help you. I look forward to reading your next revision.

@Holt
Holt, I revised my essay, with your edits. I really like them. And by the way, sorry that I couldn't respond earlier. I had a lot of exams to study for. So, here is a new version of the supplement. [...]

Hi Mualla, the essay is almost ready to go. Please proofread the essay for grammatical errors as there are some issues regarding that at the moment. Here are a few that I noticed:

Par. 2 - In the portion that says "I refused to accept that fate for these students" say instead "I refused to accept that fate for them".

Par. 3 - Replace the word "candle" with "candy". I believe that was just a typographical error on your part because you still said that you gave a chocolate bar to the winner. So obviously you meant "candy" and not "candle". Better yet, say "chocolate bar" instead. That way there is a continuity in the term usage in the paragraph.

- Don't say "compensation" as that implies that you paid them for the work they did. Since they are students whom you were teaching, it would be better to say "rewarded" instead.

Those are the more marked mistakes that I saw. These adjustment should make the essay ready for use unless there are other adjustments you would like to make or try.

@Holt
Holt when I sent you the last version I completely forgot about the word limit which is 400 words for the Boston College supplement. Although, I really liked the last version I had to cut it down so that it met the requirement. I apologize for that. I should have said it before. Below is my last version of the essay:

[..]

Mualla, if you want to further cut down the essay word count, you can also remove the reference to How you searched other books for the way to help the kids. Instead you can just say:

The answer to my question came one day as I was watching my sisters...

By removing the reference you having to do research, the essay becomes more focused and offers an instant highlight to the method by which you discovered the answer. The attention is immediately called to the solution and as such, makes the reviewer get to the point of your essay earlier than the previous versions. That makes your work better as well. That is my last suggestion for the improvement of your essay. Good luck with your application. Let us know how it goes.

@Holt

Holt its me Mualla. How are you? How's everything on essayforum?

So yesterday I got an email from Boston College and they released my decision. I got admitted!!! Thanks so much for helping me with the supplement. I couldn't have done it without you-:)