I just finished my supplement for Boston College and would really like someone's opinion on what i wrote
Question: 1. St. Ignatius of Loyola, founder of the Society of Jesus, encouraged his followers to live their lives in the service of others. How do you plan to serve others in your future endeavors?
Many extraordinary people have displayed altruistic tendencies that makes helping others seem as natural as breathing. Such individuals are considered today's "superheroes"; however, these individuals are simply ordinary people who represent what human work is capable of and how a selfless lifestyle can be both self-fulfilling and rewarding. Throughout high school, I have volunteered to help young children. However, I would not necessarily label myself as a "superhero" for helping these children. Instead, I would consider myself a proud older sister who gains a sense of satisfaction in positively influencing my younger sister and desires to do the same for other children.
At the beginning of my freshman year in high school, I volunteered to help children improve their reading skills as part of the READ program. Although the program offered paid positions, I initially applied to volunteer. As a volunteer, I was not given the incentive to only help the children to earn money; instead, I had the desire to show them that reading was an easy and enjoyable activity. Soon enough, I became friends with a child named Maritza. She was the epitome of the typical child that was eager to learn something new and always had me excited to teach her. The enjoyment I feel when engaging myself with children like Maritza justifies why I want to continue to be a part of the proper development of children and engage in activities meant to assist in their growth. Although my career goal is not to become a teacher, I would like to engage in programs that give me the opportunity to help young children with subjects in which they experience troubles. Revealing the joys of learning, I believe, is one of the best gifts I am capable of giving to a child.
I look forward to participating in the diverse service programs that Boston Colleges has to offer. Specifically, I would like to engage in the student positions offered in Boston College Children's Center program so that I could help the children become confident and proud with their abilities. I am a firm believer that the best way to serve others is to make them feel self-worth. For this reason, I believe that by making children feel special and accepted I will essentially be fulfilling my goal in serving others to build a learning community where one can freely explore and interact.
It seems, although I'm sure it's unintentional, that you talk down St. Ignatius. I'm sure he wouldn't call himself a hero, but by you saying that he wasn't a hero is a little ...odd. Sure, he was just a kind-hearted person, but there's a lot of kind-hearted people, so why isn't everyone living a life of service. The reason they're celebrating Ignatius is because he chose to live a life of service, so maybe don't talk down that fact in the beginning.
In the second paragraph, I think you're hitting the adcom over the head with something they can clearly see. If you mention that you volunteered not to take the paid position, you don't need to keep writing about how you weren't motivated by money. They'll be impressed as it is, no need to keep saying that.
Finally, maybe spend less time with your past endeavours and more on your future ones, as this is what the prompt is asking. You can briefly talk about how you volunteered, but try to work into "I hope to continue this love of volunteering at Boston" much sooner. You only have a limited number of words to tell them what you'll do for Boston!
Wow I definitely didn't know a person would interpret that from what i wrote. But I'm glad you pointed it out because I would hate for the readers to interpret it that way. I actually meant for it to mean that people doing service aren't doing anything different from what we can all do and we usually associate superheros as doing something different from what ordinary people can do .
But thanks for the advice, I did feel like I didn't talk much about future endeavors but couldnt find anything to take out, but now I know what should be removed.
producing massive results.
producing is a weird, technical term.
Also, when drawing upon your volunteering experiences, try to be more detailed, even if it means just writing where you volunteered and what you did.
he diverse range of domestic and international service programs offered at Boston would allow me to actively engage in my community and use my influence to assist others.
programs SUCH AS _______.
It's one thing to know that these programs exist but it's a huge advantage if you can name specifics. Show that you genuinely care about attending the school.
Overall, great job!
Check my essays out?
xphyllisx
While volunteering, I have seen that with proper guidance and encouragement can drive children to achieve beyond one's expectations.
