Teen Smoking - Extra-Curricular Common App Essay

The projector emits a crackling sound - each video appears on screen in 30 second to 1 minute segments, allowing for the maker of each to feel proud of their creation, albeit for just a bit. For the past 4 months, "smoking" has been my message. Making a PSA on "teen-smoking" and entering it in a contest for more than just a prize. Staying after-school every day of the week to make the perfect PSA; to send a message to the people who may be watching, and to possibly make an impact on the wide-spread problem of teen smoking. Making a Public Service Announcement is no easy feat. It requires intricate knowledge of the topic, constant editing and revision of the video, and finally; a perfect presentation. The pressure to win a contest with it is even more great, but at the same time, rewarding. Not in the sense that I might win, but to know that I've put my all into making the video; and to hopefully educate others on the topic at hand.

Please critique it as much as possible!

Hi :) I can correct a few things and offer some suggestions on changing words.

If you can elaborate more at the end, it would make your essay complete. Great job. Add some detail about how this project affected you, gave you confidence, skills, and desire to continue spreading awareness, that you are very concerned about this serious topic, try to relate this to your career goals, if possible.

Teen Smoking - Extra-Curricular Common App Essay (2)

I've posted this here before, (and I apologize for making a new thread on it) but i'm honestly stuck on how to go about this. (And I closed the first thread without realizing that I still need help with this..)

For the past 4 months, "anti-smoking" has been my message. Creating a PSA on "teen-smoking" and entering it in a contest for more than just a prize. I would stay after-school every weekday to make the perfect PSA; to make a point to the people who may be watching. Putting me into the shoes of those who are directly affected the most - the teens most susceptible to the allure of that nicotine addicting drug.

My goal is to make an impact on the wide spread problem of teen smoking, using my video as a medium to convey an important message. However, making a Public Service Announcement is no easy feat. It requires intricate knowledge of the topic, constant editing, video revision, and finally; a perfect presentation. The pressure to win a contest with it is even more exciting, but at the same time, rewarding. Not in the sense that I might win, but to know that I've put my all into making the video; and to hopefully educate others on the topic at hand.

For that first paragraph, how could I delve into the subject more and relate it to myself? (Or if anything is wrong with the second how could I fix that as well) Any help is welcome! I know this is pretty bad..

This is a fragment. If you read it aloud, you might be able to see that more clearly, but "creating" and "entering" are gerunds, which are verbs acting as nouns. You have a subject, but you don't have a predicate to follow it.


A comma would probably be better since a semi-colon usually means a major break in your sentence.


What is putting you into the shoes? Or are you putting yourself into the shoes? If you are, you should make yourself the subject and not the predicate noun that "putting" is affecting.


widespread*


Use a comma, not a semi-colon.


Try reading your essay aloud with small pauses at commas, longer pauses at semi-colons, and huge pauses at your periods. You might notice your error with fragments more easily. Also, you might want to try adding more personality and "show" instead of "tell." Even the short answer can make a big difference in your application.

Thank you Michelle! Here is my revision:

For the past 4 months, "anti-smoking" has been my message. I've strived to create the perfect PSA on anti-smoking; to help the people most susceptible to the allure of nicotine. So by using this PSA as a medium to convey this important message, I asked my classmates to help put it together. The experience was rewarding in the sense that the time and energy we have put into making the PSA has prominently shown through the time management, collaboration, and communication skills I have acquired.

However, making a Public Service Announcement is no easy feat. It requires intricate knowledge of the topic, constant editing, video revision, teamwork, and finally, a perfect presentation. The pressure to perfect it was even more exciting, as well as rewarding. Not in the sense that it might be well received, but to know that I've put my all into making the video - and hopefully educate others on the topic at hand.

Hi , your revision is perfect. You have followed the advice and i think you are ready to finalize it. :)

Oh it is? It doesn't need any more revision?