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teleporting mentally to a different world

mickeygirl 5 / 7  
Oct 14, 2008   #1
Prompt: If you could spend a day as a fictional character,who would you choose and why?

Everyone has certain dreams they replay in their minds over and over again when they finish reading an interesting book, and I am no different. I often catch myself teleporting mentally to a different world, the Harry Potter world.

Hard to believe in the morning, with the big black rope on, I rode with flying broomstick--Nimbus 2000, and appeared in front of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I hastily passed all the corridors, rushed into classroom and finally settled down next to Ron and Hermione. Defense against the Dark Arts Class with Professor Lupin was exciting but thrilling, not because of all those dark creatures, but Professor Lupin-a werewolf, who would become a wolf every full moon. I was scared a few weeks before the truth came out clearly: a kind-hearted man had not only become a werewolf accidentally but not been trust or socially accepted as well. Seriously, have we taken their feelings into account when we put the alert eyes and acts to those unfortunate people? Just like Prongs' and Professor Dumbledore's understanding and assistance, my amity may be important to Professor Lupin. Therefore, I courageously walked up to him right after class. While holding his hands, I told him, "Professor Lupin, I will be your friend."

Soon after lunch, I involved in the Quidditch Game against Slytherin. I flew in the air and enjoyed the feeling of tremble. Suddenly, the Golden Snitch came across overhead; my super fast speed even made my hair stood up in the wind. Gryffindor broke out a roar of cheering because I just about to catch the ball. But I was down at the site one second later hit by a Bludger. Valorous enough to continue the game, I got up on my broom again and chased right after the Golden Snitch. Eventually, as I had expected, Gryffindor won.

Quiet at night, I watched outside windows, wondering when was the darkness of evil Voldemort going to get back...
As I snap back into reality, I take my time to savor my day as Harry Potter. I would like to choose Harry if I get to spend a day as a fictional character. Not only has wisdom and courage to the backbone in all those violent and dirty situation, but Harry do accept, trust and help others. What's virtuous about him is that he always has a kindly and pure heart. In addition, just like words in the movie "A Cinderella Story"-never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game, Harry Potter is always provided with perseverant volition no matter what kind of difficulties he is facing. He is both the hero and the model in my heart.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 14, 2008   #2
Good evening.

My main concern in this piece is tense. You switch from past to present tense randomly through the work and it is distracting. Choose one tense and stay with it throughout the piece. This is very descriptive and a great response to the prompt, so this distraction really takes away from the overall piece. Otherwise, it is a nice text.

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OP mickeygirl 5 / 7  
Oct 15, 2008   #3
Thank you for you advice. Maybe I will just use the present tense for the whole thing.

Anyway, I appreciate you help!~
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 17, 2008   #4
That would work as well. Generally, whatever tense is more natural and comes easier to you will reflect itself in your writing. Go with the flow, but just make sure it flows in the same direction :)

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