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"Tell why an activity or honor is important to you" paragraph



mkate2 1 / 1  
Nov 4, 2010   #1
I feel like I can improve my vocab a little bit- I'm horrible at vocabulary. Thanks :)

Towards the end of my Sophomore year, I reluctantly decided to put my name on the ballot for Junior Class Vice President. I can safely say that was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I went through all the necessary requirements, including making a speech in front of the entire ASB, getting teacher recommendations, making catchy posters, and getting my name out to the class of 2010. I put myself out there, and it definitely paid off because after a few long weeks of campaigning, I won the election. Running for Junior Class Vice President is extremely significant to me because it brought out many positive personal qualities that I did not know I had and basically changed who I thought I was. I now know I can be the ambitious, hardworking leader that I always aspired to be.

The ASB holds fund raisers, clean-ups, dances, pep rallies, teacher breakfasts, festivals, scholarships, and the list goes on and on. I absolutely love being a part of these festivities because they help define my school. The ASB does so much to better my school, and it is a wonderful feeling to be a part of it. I hope to continue in the Associated Student Body until the end of my high school career, and it is truly an honor to have the opportunity to be in ASB thus far.

adz777 1 / 1  
Nov 4, 2010   #2
instead of to better my school maybe put improve? Its seems less wordy that way
OP mkate2 1 / 1  
Nov 8, 2010   #3
great thanks! :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 14, 2010   #4
Towards the end of my Sophomore sophomore year, ----no need to capitalize

This part at the end is a little vague and overly dramatic. I mean, the whole essay is great, so don't feel like I am criticizing you; but if you want to change part of it, change the end, here, to make it more memorable and not so ... not so much like a speech: The ASB does so much to better my school, and it is a wonderful feeling to be a part of it. I hope to continue in the Associated Student Body until the end of my high school career, and it is truly an honor to have the opportunity to be in ASB thus far.----Instead of this, leave the reader with some "extra" idea to think about. Add some idea about the possibilities for the future, or a new insight you gained... but not this stuff about wonderful feelings and truly an honor. People's minds do not even register sentences like that. Say something unforgettable.


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