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'So, tell me about this company you want to start,' - achievement/experience/risk



Mixta666 2 / 11  
Dec 19, 2010   #1
Tell me what you think :-)
All comments appreciated, positive criticism mostly

AUGUST THE THIRTIETH

Seneca once said that it is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that things are difficult. Of all experiences to write about, I chose this one because I think it shows most appropriately the beginning of what I hope will be a wonderful story of my life; chapter one of a great book; August the thirtieth.

I sat in the reception of the office trying to read the newspaper that I was holding, so excited that I could only see words that I could not make sense of. I smiled to myself, proud that I had brought myself there on my own accord and hoped that greater things would come out of it, or be inspired by it.

'So, tell me about this company you want to start,' he asked handing me a glass of fruit juice. I explained, pointing out its mission, its objectives, what I hope for it and most importantly why I needed his help and why he should give it to me. I told him of my dreams and hoped he would believe in them as much as I did.

He promised his help, and offered me a place in his company's internship program, which as I recalled was reserved for the students who topped the country in the national examination results. They got the chance to meet leaders from all over the world, speak to the youth and learn entrepreneurship skills, to mention a few, plus I'd be able to market my company and perhaps meet my future business partners!

After thanking him, I left with an inner glow. I had just spoken to the Chief Executive Officer of Equity Bank, Dr. James Mwangi, who headed one of the biggest banks in Africa and had literally brought it from nothing into an award winning bank. I had booked an appointment with him to discuss my plans for the future, most importantly the company I wanted to start, 'CNL'.

This experience marked the start of change that I always knew had to begin with me. I decided that day that I would live my life not afraid to take the risks necessary to make what I want happen. The world is made up of people who either watch things happen, talk about things that happen or make things happen. I suppose by now you can guess which group I would like to be classified in.

Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the belief that something else is more important. I try to live courageously, but it's not always easy to look rejection, failure and possible humiliation in the face and say "I'm going to beat you!' without a hint of doubt; but the point is that we get up every day and try again, and again and again. If we all lived like this, I believe we would be able to uplift ourselves, our lives and through the ripple effect, the world.

As for the company and how it's doing so far? I guess you'll have to meet me to find that one out, perhaps the thirtieth of any month? I tend to have a thing for that number these days.

donrocks 5 / 120  
Dec 22, 2010   #2
Brenda---One important thing...please put up the exact topic before your essay. Don't just write experience. Just put the complete thing.
Assuming its not a personal statement they have asked because then this would be debacle of an essay.
Experience... its a really good one. First of all, your ending is innovative but not what I would have written. It differs from person to person but think about my version of adding what your company is doing and how far has it gone. Its your greatest asset that you are hiding. Think about you... your company.... doing great.... shows your hardworking and committed. Then you can round it up by saying any more details you will have to meet... so on. Just for the smart line we can't miss out on your glowing factors... your personality.

But ending line brings a smile. :)

After thanking him, I left with an inner glow.

Before this, I am not feeling your excitement. Your idea to introduce this person late and everything ummm.... by the time I reach the climax or the punch of your essay I am uncertain about the essay. A little expansion in the feelings and anticipation would add more soul to this essay.

First Para- Your ending was much better and innovative. So....try polishing it up.
Second Para-

I smiled to myself, proud that I had brought myself there on my own accord and hoped that greater things would come out of it, or be inspired by it.

I can't deny that I would feel the same but I would structure the whole para once again. I want to know
1) How did this day come about?
2) What was your assumption(something witty can be added here like you know how in life we anticipate few things and they turn out totally different.) about this guy, this interview, the atmosphere...its interest's the reader.

3)Finally a little about the interview...
I think if there is no word limit then don't worry....let the writting flow even if its 10000 words because editting is easy....trust me.

Hope this helps.... :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13052  
Dec 29, 2010   #4
...chapter one of a great book; August the thirtieth.---This part confuses me! At the end of the first paragraph, I do not know what Augues the thirtieth refers to...

Here is one other idea... I'll change one word:
had literally built it from nothing into an award winning bank.

:-) Great ending, and great choice of topic. I just think you need another sentence in that intro so that I am not so confused at the end of the first paragraph!! :-)
OP Mixta666 2 / 11  
Dec 30, 2010   #5
Thanks Kevin :)
I have another essay, I think its terrible since I had a mental block for weeks , but read it if you can :)
Criticism is fully appreciated :)


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