Temple transfer essay from a biology major

I was looking to transfer to temple university, we have a requirement of writing a personal statement.The prompt I chose is about attending your 10-year reunion and you have to write a one page speech on your accomplishments over the past ten years. Has to be a minimum of 250 words. Any advising or feedback would help, thank you!

Temple University is the center of Philadelphia, to humans, the center of us is our heart. I compare Temple to this because the heart has ventricles which pumps blood throughout your body. This university pumps important traits such as confidence, knowledge, and ambition throughout the city and wherever their students travel to. Reflecting on the past 10 years from graduating from Temple University, I can say that I have made countless accomplishments. The first being that I graduated with a B.S in biology.

I've learned that personal accomplishments come first, and professional accomplishments follow. My first year of college it seemed as if my heart had an abnormal rhythm, there was a block on my potential. Reviewing temple's mission statement, I knew that was the school I belonged at. Becoming more involved with my community put me at ease, joining a sorority and multiple clubs, such as the American Medical Student Association brought my heart back to a healthy rhythm.

Without Temple bringing me back to a normal rhythm, my potential was unblocked and I wouldn't have found the confidence to minor in business and attend graduate school. Making advances in medical field is difficult, so I'm very proud to say I have opened my own medical spa after working in the dermatology field. Temple made me retain the traits of knowledge, confidence, and ambition. I plan to pass these traits to others because I am Temple Made.

Accriton, firstly I would like to say welcome to EssayForum :) This is the perfect place for you to improve your writing skills by doing peer-corrections towards other members' essays. It is also possible for you to seek a constructive feedback from any members or contributors in this forum. I do hope that after your essay is getting revised or corrected by others, you are going to keep actively participating in this valuable website.

With regards to your essay, I notice that there are still some parts that need to be revised soon, especially grammatical issues. This can possibly reduce communication and the idea that you are going to deliver is not appropriately delivered to the reader or the university examiner. You can check my feedback below

- the center of us is our heart (I understand that you want to write a catchy hook, but this one seems ambiguous. This is because 'center of us' is not always heart, perhaps mind is also possible to be the 'center of us', and how about people who are 'heartless'?)

- the heart has ventricles which pumpspump
- The first being that I graduated with is a B.S in biology. (fragment, missing verb)
- I'veI have learned that personal (avoid using contraction(s) in this type of formal-like essay)
- I wouldn'twould not have found the (another contraction problem)
- Making advances in medical field is difficult, but it does not mean it is impossible(this additional sentence perhaps can emphasize the message that you are going to convey)

- I'mI am very proud to (another contraction problem)

Overall, the essay is quite convincing, perhaps by giving more sentence(s) to stress the message will be good to improve the essay. Writing more sentences can also possible to fulfill your task response well. You need to write 250 words minimum right? Unfortunately, your essay was only 238 words.

@ichanpants89 Thank you for your response! Sorry, I meant a maximum of 250 words. Would it be more clear if I wrote that the heart is in the center of your chest? Do you think this essay sounds professional enough to send to a university?

You need to remember that there is no wrong or right in making a personal statement as long as you have answered the question properly. Another main parameter which makes your essay looks good is whether it is adequately convincing or not. I reckon that your essay is understandable, the language that you use is conversational, everyone can understand what you are talking about, even at first (hook) is quite ambiguous like what you ask.

About that part, I think you can pick a proper idiom about heart by searching it online from Cambridge dictionary or Oxford dictionary. I have no idea on that one, I just think that it is quite unclear for me, even if you already change it 'the heart is in the center of your chest', it is still inappropriate in meaning. Therefore, you need to go the extra mile on that part. This is because, first sentence of an essay is extremely crucial, especially in a personal statement. However, my suggestion is that, if you still can't find an appropriate and catchy hook for this essay, it is better to still make it that way, just left it without a hook. A normal-understandable sentence is still better than ambiguous or unclear hook.