"Double fault!" I cringed as those two horrible words assaulted my ears. Wiping my brow, I looked up to see my twin brother smirking at me from the across the tennis court. Glaring, I tossed the ball up for my next serve. As I smashed the fuzzy green missile towards my twin, I smiled, thinking of the bond we had formed over tennis. The sport had been our passion since the eighth grade, and our fierce sibling rivalry had inevitably found its way onto the tennis court, influencing our every shot, step, and serve. Yet soon the sport began to grow into more than just an outlet for our rivalry. My strong desire to be better than my brother taught me how to persevere in the face of loss. The calculating nature of the game tested my reasoning skills; each match was like a fast-paced game of chess. More than that, though, tennis offered me a refuge from the outside world; escaping the problems of the day was as easy as picking up a racket. As my brother and I prepare to attend different colleges, I can only hope we can keep our rivalry alive by playing whenever we can. Who knows; maybe I'll beat him for once.
This is my submission for the extracurriculars or work experience essay. The limit is 1000 characters, and I may have gone over that a little because I'm nervous about giving such a short statement about myself.-1124 Characters-Help!
Any and all comments concerning grammar, content, focus, etc. would be greatly appreciated. I will of course reply back to your submissions
Thanks Again
I'm not a tennis player like the poster above me, but I love your essay nonetheless!
A few comments (I hope you don't mind that they're mostly small things):
I don't think this is a big deal, but I don't know what "double fault" means. If you can convey what it means somehow, that'd be great, otherwise don't worry about it. I know this character limit is a pain. (I'm trying to write one of these short answers myself!)
You wrote, "Glaring, I tossed the ball up for my next serve. As I smashed the fuzzy green missile towards my twin, I smiled, thinking of the bond we had formed over tennis." It's kind of awkward that you were glaring and then smiling all of a sudden with not much of a transition. Maybe you could add a "But" in there: "Glaring, I tossed the ball up for my next serve. But as I smashed the fuzzy green missile towards my twin, I smiled, thinking of the bond we had formed over tennis." I really like your imagery here, "fuzzy green missile." :P
And since that added a word, which is not what we're trying to do here, here are some things you can delete, along with what jeveux posted:
Yet Soon the sport began
each match was like a fast-paced game of chess
And you could change this sentence a little: "I can only hope we can still keep our rivalry alive by playing whenever we can through tennis."
I'd be willing to help more if you need it. ^^
Thanks for the comments. I'll have no problem editing it down to the maximum number of characters, but I'm still worried about how it reflects me and my personality. Should I shift the focus from my relationship with my twin to solely on how tennis has affected me individually?
Answering this question will warrant as much gratitude as commenting on my essay.
Thanks again!
Hm, I'm no admissions officer, so I'm not the best at this, but I'll try.
Since the prompt is about extracurriculars, shifting more to tennis would seem more prudent. But if your twin is an important aspect of your tennis experience, it wouldn't hurt to include him. Personally, I think it's fine the way it is. Your are elaborating on your extracurricular activity. But maybe you could put less emphasis on rivalry? (You used the word about three times in the essay.) Sorry if this isn't very helpful. ^^;;
It is totally fine. I would agree that shifting to tennis would be more prudent. I can try to emphasize how our different playing styles reflects our different personalities.
Maybe that will work. And don't be discouraged; any comment, be it commending or condemning, is greatly appreciated. :)
"Homerun!" I cringed at that horrible word as I saw my serve fly out of the court. I meekly looked up to see my brother smirking at me. Undeterred, I tossed the ball up for my next serve. But as I smashed the fuzzy green missile towards my twin, I smiled, thinking of the bond we had formed over tennis. Ever since eighth grade, we had strongly expressed our sibling rivalry on the court; it influenced our every shot, step, and serve. Soon the game grew into more than a competition. It instilled us with the ideals of perseverance and determination. It pushed our minds to the limit by making us calculate every hit; matches were essentially fast games of chess. More than that, though, tennis offered us a way for us to grow independently. Our styles of play greatly reflected our differing personalities. For once, people began to see us as individuals and not clones. Yet even as we mature, I hope we can still keep our rivalry alive through tennis. Who knows? Maybe I'll beat him one day.
This is my revised version. It's 955 characters,so I'm good on length. Any further comments would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
I really liked your essay; the revised one gets right to the point and still manages to keep it under 1000 characters; I think the only thing I could even vaguely critique is this line:
It pushed our minds to the limit by making us calculate every hit; matches were essentially fast games of chess.
Maybe reword it to make it sound like the sentence in the original one; the sentence about its similarity to chess and its "calculating" seemed to flow better.
But then again I'm not the best at revising essays and such; it really was good though, keep up the good work!
Thanks. I managed to reword it, and it sounds really good.
Thanks for all the comments.