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'Terrible things in this world' - FSU application essay



krovaxx80 1 / -  
Oct 14, 2012   #1
Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic institution preparing you for a future career. We are a caring community of well-rounded individuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeal most to you and why

No matter what you do, where you go, the whole world is changing. In order to keep up with the world, we must continue to learn. Learning opens up new opportunities, new ways of seeing things, it gives us dreams and goals to achieve. Early on in high school I knew it was necessary for me to take rigorous courses to develop my full potential as a student.

Nonetheless, learning is not only about the knowledge gained in the classroom, but from the people that influence your everyday life. For instance, learning from my brothers' mistakes has molded me into the ambitious person I am today. As a young child I witnessed both of my brothers' battle drug and alcohol addictions, go in and out of rehabilitation facilities and penitentiaries, father children as early as the age of sixteen, and even be in the presence of one of their near death experiences. The heartaches they gave my mother were unbearable. For as long as I can remember, my mother would instill the necessity to learn from their mistakes and to be different. Not to follow in their tracks, but to pave my own. As I grew older, my mother's words and my brothers' examples affected me a great deal. Decisions that a normal, curious teenager would find easy, I found difficult. Whether I should go out and partake in fun and mischievous activities, or stay home and study. I obviously knew the right answer.

I learned of the terrible things in this world at a very young age and I used it to my advantage. I saw the world in a different perspective. I didn't see my brother's troubles as a burden, but as a positive influence. Their mistakes gave me an ambition like no other, to make my mother feel proud rather than distressed, to look for goals rather than lighters, to prosper rather than rot.

hpdwnsn95 3 / 4  
Oct 14, 2012   #2
I like your personal connection to this essay, I feel like it can be really moving but it's not quite there yet.
Change "...and even be in the presence of one of their near death experiences" to "...and I would even be there for one of their near death experiences."

Also, do you have a specific instance where you learned from them? Not just a whole overview? It would be better to go into one specific story or instance that you learned from, it would make the essay more personal and give the reader something specific to remember when they think about your application. Your idea for your essay is great, I just think it's a little to broad. Otherwise, I think your heading in the right direction!


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