Hi all, i just came across this website and i think its a great idea for us student to be able to share our essays with each other to be critiqued! Do have a looksee and tell me whats wrong..
This is a CommonApp essay, min 250 words. I'll be applying for Umich College of Engineering this year.
October 23rd 1983, 0620 hours. An inconspicuous yellow Mercedes-Benz 5-ton truck drives into the parking lot of the Beirut International Airport. It circles twice, in full view of two sentry posts in the adjacent United States Marine Corps compound. Having been expecting a water delivery truck that morning, Sgt. Stephen Russell did not sense anything amiss. That is, until the truck turned to face the barbed wire surrounding the USMC compound. His weapon unloaded, Sgt. Russell could not do anything as the truck accelerated through the barbed wire, past his sentry post. He watched as it sped into the lobby of a UMSC barracks housing over 300 personnel from the 1st Battalion 8th Marines. The Iranian driver, Ismalal Ascari, then detonated his deadly payload. The resulting blast, roughly equivalent to 5.4 tons of TNT, ripped the 4 story cinder block building from its supports, lifting it airborne momentarily. It collapsed, crushing its occupants. Despite frenzied rescue efforts, the death toll came up to be 241 American servicemen, with 75 injured.
It was the dawn of a new era. The era of the shadowy intifada, of the rebellion of fundamentalist militant Islam against her so-called Western oppressors, of suicide bombings and needless deaths. I recall watching the 9/11 bombing on the late night news. My initial reaction was of shock, of awe but then came puzzlement as the reporter named the attackers, all of whom were highlighted to be Muslims. As I matured, I learned more about my religion and now I, as a practicing Muslim, am compelled to give my own views on the radical, violent Islam as portrayed by the media all around the world.
Islam comes from the root word salema, which means submission and humilty, and salam, which means peace. Islam, as I view it, is a religion of peace and coexistence with other faiths is not only necessary, but in fact a required tenet of Islam. The use of force in Islam is strictly lined out in the Koran.
Fight in the Way of God those who fight you, but do not initiate hostilities. God loves not the aggressors
-Al-Qur'an, 2:190
If they [the enemy forces] incline towards peace, then you should so incline, and place your trust in God.
-Al-Qur'an, 8:61
As shown above, force is only permitted in a defensive context, not to strike out against non-combatants and most definitely not against innocent civilians. Life is sacrosanct in Islam. It is considered a gift from God, and not to be taken or given lightly. When one commits suicide for whatever reason, in Islam, he dies a heathen. Hence, suicide bombing is doubly forbidden in Islam as one not only ends ones own life, but also that of others without regard to their innocence.
Why then, do the terrorists persist in their mindless acts of violence? Perhaps it is the idea of Jihad that drives them. Jihad, meaning struggle, is ones religious duty as a Muslim. It is a struggle against ones own desires, or a quest to gain knowledge, or to stand up for justice. Simply put, Jihad is a Muslims duty to do what is right by the law of the Koran.
It is easy to see how extremists could twist the idea of Jihad to justify attacking civilians. However, misinterpretation is common across all religions. Islam in and of itself does not promote violence, but there are and always will be black sheep who fight and kill in the name of God. The same statement can be said of all religions. I believe that while most religions embody the best of values and encourage their adherents to live in peace, there are those amongst followers who wish to serve their own motives or simply were brought up to think radically. That Muslims like me, who want nothing more than to live and practice our religion in peace, exist is a testament to how Islam is not a religion of violence. Let the war against terrorism be against the terrorists, and noone else.
Greetings,
An inconspicuous yellow Mercedes-Benz 5-ton truck. I found that reading this was a little bumpy. You could possibly rearage the words. Your mound of adjectives seems all bundled up( 4 adjectives just for this truck). It could possibly read: An inconspicuous, yellow Mercedes-Benz, 5-ton truck...
My initial reaction was of shock, of awe,
I felt that your 3rd paragraph was extremely passionate and tells a great deal about your religion, but do you share these same ideals?
no one else
there are minor gramatical errors but those can be fixed easily. I liked you ending, as it brought everthing together.
Best AF
here is my essay:
Hey AF(may i call you that?),
I was just thinking about the truck thing. Will change it.
About that 3rd paragraph, i really do feel that way! Suicide bombing is absolutely forbidden, at least in the Islam that i know...
Thanks for the read, i'll go through the essay once more to pick out any grammar mistakes.
It is a struggle against one's own desires, or a quest to gain knowledge, or to stand up for justice. Simply put, Jihad is a Muslim's duty to do what is right by the law of the Koran.
That Muslims like me, who want nothing more than to live and practice our religion in peace, exist is a testament to how Islam is not a religion of violence. ---Oh, great sentence.
This whole essay is very well-written! You make a great argument, and I hope a lot of people see this thread so they benefit from it.
Let the war against terrorism be against the terrorists, and no one else.
I can't offer much help to improve it, because it is written so clearly and interestingly already. All your arguments are solid, and you even cited evidence from the Koran to support it. You certainly are correct when you say misinterpretation happens with all religions.
:-)
