I looked into the microscope and gracefully fumbled around with the tweezers and scissors, attempting to assist my lab mentor tie two arteries together. Although this was only an experimental micro-graft onto a sedated rat's thigh, the tension and excitement in the lab reminded me of the day I watched an actual laparoscopic surgery, nervously standing behind a surgeon as he carefully operated through a high-resolution monitor on a human being. I reflected upon the extreme purposefulness and determination I felt during those micro-surgeries. My back might have ached, my eyes might have been sore and weak, but I never even noticed this pain until I came home. For, even though this was just rat, I felt convinced that success in our experiment might one day translate into the difference between life and death. After taking all biology classes with lab, I have become increasingly interested in the biomedical and my greatest goal in life is to become a physician. I understand that this is incredibly difficult but I feel that if you can dream it, you can achieve it. I believe that I have many talents which make me well suited to pursue a medical career. The medical career gives me the unique opportunity to express my talents while benefiting human life. I think that my ability to communicate makes me well satisfied to pursue a medical career. I like to consider myself a "people" person. As a waitress, cell phone saleswoman, and youth group counselor at church, my communication skills improved and expanded since I was constantly meeting new people and discussing different topics. People constantly disclosed their personal issues to me as a counselor. I learned to become not only a good conversationalist, but also an excellent listener. I believe this talent makes me well suited to pursue a medical career. My most rewarding experience was tutoring middle school students in math and biology. Also, helping people to learn play the piano and drum. I always try to develop a good rapport with students. I believe I possess a talent for teaching others in a friendly manner and in a manner that helps them to grasp difficult concepts easily. My cultural diversity also will be a great contribution to my career. I was born in South Korea, being raised in a Korean family, visiting different countries, and now living in the United States. I have experienced the similarities and differences among many diverse cultural groups and geographical areas. This allowed me to relate to different types of people by understanding their ways and beliefs, a quality that will help me work well with other students and help me serve my patients better in the future.
Maybe you should also mention your diligence and good memory, I believe they are both very important qualities for a medical student.
Hey, wow, this is interesting! I have never thought about a rat's arteries before.
"gracefully fumbled around" does not work!! Ha ha, maybe change it to "gracelessly fumbles around," which sounds cool, but maybe you want to say that you, "gracefully manipulated the" instead.
Right after "human being" at the end of that first paragraph, would be a great place to take a hard swing and say the most powerful sentence o the essay -- what it is really all about. Looking through it, I see that the lest para begins with a sentence about cultural diversity as one of the factors that will contribute to your career... but this is not quite right... That belongs in a body paragraph. The conclusion paragraph should be a reflection on that main point from the end of para number one.
Tighten it up with a central theme put forth powerfully... communication, culture, excitement about that surgery... some it all up and ask yourself, what is the essence of this person I am describing, this student, this aspiring physician? When you cen answer that in a single sentence, put that sentence at the end of the first para. Then, reflect on it in the conclusion para.
One more thing -- It would be good to add mention of one or two more attractive resources offered by the school to which you are applying.
i could not finish my conclusion yet.
thank you soo much!!!
...life full of this excitement that I felt. (right after this sentence, give the thesis sentence by saying you want to attend [name of school] and contribute meaningfully as a part of the [name of academic program] so that you can be empowered to succeed as a [what type of] surgeon.
The first sentence is great!!! It really gets a reader interested. You are doing well.
This enabled me to relate...
Alright, and remember, when you write your conclusion, sum it all up by referring back to that thesis statement and reflecting on it. Good luck!!!!
Good essay overall. Some minor fixes:
"my heart pounded "
"I have become increasingly interested in biomedical advances "
"As a waitress, cell phone saleswoman, and youth group counselor at church, my communication skills improved" You have misplaced your modifier. You communications skills were not a waitress, a saleswoman, or a counselor -- you were. Revise.
I love this essay, your topic is really creative, totally love it!