Hi I JUST joined this site. I am writing this essay in hopes to attend Texas A&M, I have no one to really help me out with editing this so your help would be much appreciated.
here is the topic:
Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
Here is my essay so far... I just want to know if I'm on the right track with this..:
It was my sophomore year in high school when I saw the documentary on North Korea by Lisa Ling. I have no Idea why out of all the heart wrenching documentaries I have seen, this particular one bothered me. The documentary described the hard life of North Koreans that is clandestine and showed me how fortunate Americans are. I couldn't keep this out of my mind; the thought of a whole country suffering in secret, and I knew about it. I became obsessed; I spent hours of my day reading articles on CNN and posting commenting, watching videos, and expanding my knowledge on the topic.
A lot of people I know would say that we shouldn't be involved in foreign affairs .We Americans have our own issues and "we should be taken care of first" is the common thought. This teaches younger generations to help themselves and not others. I believe serving others shouldn't just be on a national range, but a global range.
North Koreans live in fear, they can be sent to prison for five years for owning a video tape that was not made in their country. Cell phones are illegal, and concentration camps exist. Crimes that can send you to the camps can be as simple as folding a newspaper edge that covers their "great leader" face. If convicted of a crime, your whole family is sent to the camps for the next three generations of your lineage. These camps can be seen on Google maps, isn't that nice. North Korean citizens see their great leader as a God; some believe he controls the weather with his moods. Yes, North Koreans go to school to be taught only the essentials of course. They learn what Kim Jong il (their leader) did as a child, and fair enough, they are taught how to read the pro da their country feeds them. Rations are so small that it is estimated that 85% of their country is malnourished on their 600 calorie diet (this is only estimated because no one is really allowed in or out of North Korea). I think it is fair to say that North Korea is a messy room owned by a chaotic person who needs help. As caring, civilized neighbors shouldn't we help? No is the answer. For now, we are letting our chaotic neighbor destroy himself and all his stuff animal followers, while we enjoy a cup of sunshine and our own "problems".
I have no Idea idea why, out of all the heart wrenching documentaries I have seen, this particular one bothered me.
This teaches younger generations to help themselves and not others. --- wow, very good. You have done a great job with the first part of this essay. Excellent...
Run on sentence:
North Koreans live in fear. They c an be sent to prison for five years for owning a video tape that was not made ...
These camps can be seen on Google Maps; i sn't that nice. North Korean citizens see their great leader as a God; some believe he controls the weather with his moods. Yes, North Koreans go to school to be taught only the essentials of course. They learn what Kim Jong il (their leader) did as a child, and fair enough, they are taught how to read the pro da propaganda their country feeds them. Rations are ...
This is really very high quality writing. This essay is important, I think... something that really is very persuasive, great job!
hey thanks!! Your really helpful and encouraging, I'm only a sophomore in high school trying to graduate next year that is why I'm doing this. THANKS SOO MUCH... Seriously i cant tell you how much help you have given me. :)
That's a big leap.
Well, I wonder if you would be giving up the last few years of high school with good friends. If you do skip the rest of high school, don't rush into adulthood! Spend 6 years loving life as an undergrad before going to grad school, and that'll make up for losing 2 years of fun in high school. :-)
Here is a tool to take with you:
Any time you write a long sentence, check to see if it could be 2 sentences if it wanted to be. If so, it needs a conjunction. Like this one I corrected:
North Koreans live in fear. They can be sent to prison for five years ...
or
North Koreans live in fear, because they can be sent to prison for five years ...
Because is a conjunction.
Here is another great secret: read Diana Hacker's books for student writers. That'll save so much time and make you an expert!
