Michigan state university: Describe an experience, passion or characteristic that illustrates what you would contribute to the MSU community and how this will add to the overall richness of campus life. (400 words)
I POURED MY HEART INTO MY ESSAY. I WANT HONESTY NO HOLDING BACK. OH YEAH I ALSO NEED TO CUT OFF 91 WORDS THAT ARE OVER THE WORD LIMIT
At times blood is not thicker than water
"I am not what happened to me, I am who I choose to become"- Carl Jung
I was born in a polygamous family, in the Gambia. Where because of the unhealthy rivalry between my fathers four wives; I had a lot of unpleasant experiences. The serahule community are stereotypical tribalistic people. My mother being wolof by tribe was repudiated, so were we her children. The harsh persecution me and my direct siblings endoured from my half-siblings worsened after my fathers demise in 2005.
When my eldest half-brother took over his company, everything retrograded. He gradually diminished, the allowance my mother and stepmoms used to get, the charity work my father did and a lot more. My mother was acquiescent till 2010 when his actions threatened our education. She along with my stepmoms'- who were yet to raise their underage children- took him to court and demanded our inheritance.
The protracting court case triggered my suppressed emotions at the worst time; my final years of high school. That's when my fathers death, the disrespect, inequity and injustice we suffered, my powerlessness to defend my mom and the terrorizing crashed on me. I could only take so much; I became frustrated with the instability and vulnerability of my life and started getting depressed. I became withdrawn; could not concentrate in class and rapidly gained weight; then soon became an object of ridicule and laughter at school. My over-whelming emotions of anger, lament and dysphoria reflected on my IGCSE result. I felt I had not reached my full potential; I had no one or nothing to blame but my self; I was disappointed and knew I could have done better.
Everything changed when my grand-aunt asked me to volunteer at the orphanage/elderly home she worked at a year after my graduation. I was around children who felt like they did not belong; I knew that feeling and could relate to them. Therefore when I talked, they listened and opened up. I feel more connected to them than my half-siblings'; it goes to show that blood is not the only connection one can have. This amazing experience made me engage in more volunteer work and even start my own with a friend called "Shaabatul Mujahidaat" which translates to "young striving women".
I would be deceitful and a hypocrite to say all is forgiven with my half-siblings. My animosity towards them literally took a lifetime to build up. The difference now is that I talk about it and let my self feel instead of suppressing it. I am gradually trying to put it behind me, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day right?
My life experience has taught me to show fortitude and be prepared not just to fight for self but also for others. Therefore if I get a chance to attend MSU, I will use my experience to counsel and if possible defend people from dysfunctional families and those who believe they do not belong in the mainstream of society. I am hopeful that my voice and actions will positively influence those that I am likely to meet at MSU.
You have some grammatical and spelling errors, i.e. "endoured -> endured" "I was born in a polygamous family, in the Gambia.", "myself" not "my self" etc.
And stylistically, the essay is very disjointed and unconnected, and some word choices such as "retrograded" are used very strangely.
Also, notice that the prompt states to explain an experience that illustrates how you will contribute to MSU, but your first 3/4 of your essay is mainly a display of your experience while the last paragraph serves to explain how you might influence MSU's community. I suggest you condense the story about your experience, especially because it (imo) can be seen as somewhat of a rant and is filled with a lot of angst which darkens the overall tone/mood of your essay where the essay should be more light and positive.
Lastly, I leave with you a quote that is considered another interpretation of "blood is thicker than water": "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb", or rather that bonds made through friendship or stronger than any familial ties.
Hope this helps :)
@aikoashiya Yes this definitely helps... reading your comment and re-reading my essay showed me were you're coming from. I think I let emotion get in my way. Thank you.
Fatou, I did, as what you can see, just a few remarks on your essay. It is written pretty good and I believe you did write this from the heart. You're a person willing to share time, effort and knowledge to those who need them badly and those who merely have any, I hope you continue this humble practice and keep moving.
With your essay, it has very good logic too, there is a good flow and the reader knows exactly where the essay is going, more over you answered the prompt to the best of your ability which is a very good characteristic of a writer who knows what they are writing about.
I wish you the best of luck in your application and do let us know what happens.
