Tiny Amherst Essay: Anything to Tweak?

Amherst wants my reasons for visiting; if it's convincing enough they'll pay my way to Massachusetts. The limit is 200 words. Please let me know if it sounds like I'm terribly obvious in sucking up,if you see any glaring mistakes, or think I should add anything. Gracias.

I've pored through the Amherst guide, website, and explored various aspects of the campus online; however, these sources only provide part of the picture. To fully capture the essence of a college one must see it in person and that is precisely what I would like to do. I want to meet professors, experience the campus culture, and see the open curriculum system at work.

I want to observe the open curriculum at work; this innovative program would allow me to pursue my degree and dabble in other areas of interest without falling off-track. Conversing with professors involved with the Five College International Relations Program would provide me with a better grasp of the program and let me discover the endless possibilities accessible. The study abroad opportunities available through Amherst also provide great opportunities for cultural immersion and language development; being able to talk with students about their personal experiences would be beneficial.

Unfortunately, traveling to Amherst from a small, Nebraskan town is not financially feasible for me, which is why I'm very interested in this program. I want to capture first-hand what Amherst can create with what I have to offer and what I can achieve with Amherst. The next step is visiting.

Your essay is perfectly okay. It's not great, excellent, or outstanding in any way. It is just perfectly, ideally, an okay essay. You state your reasons for wanting to visit Amherst using a decent style and proper grammar. However, you need an extremely strong essay that stands out from the crowd, and this isn't it.

Here are your verbs:

pore
explore
provide
capture
see
is
like
do
want
meet
experience
see
are
want
learn
being
talk
have
is
is
want
do
do
is

The ones in red are the ones that are very weak. Most of the ones that remain aren't that strong. So, you might start by strengthening your verbs. Pick ones that summon up vivid mental images. While you're at it, replace your general statements with specific ones. So, for instance, instead of


explain which parts, specifically, interest you.

Good luck with your revisions. I look forward to reading your second draft.

Strengthening verbs always helps any piece of writing, but in this case I'm more concerned by content. I'm guessing that everybody who wants to visit has pored over brochures and the website but wants to see a college campus for themselves. The underlying question here is why do you want to visit Amherst? In other words, what makes you in particular interested in that particular college? It's a one-of-a-kind college, that's for sure. What about it calls to you? A particular program or activity? What makes you feel you might be right for it? I know these are the questions you will address in your admissions essay but this is almost a mini admissions essay. Let your personality show. Let them know that you know what Amherst is all about and are eager to see it for yourself because it might be just right for you and you for it.

Thank you so much for the constructive criticism; it has been a great help!
I'm planning on sending this off either later today or early tommorrow, so this is getting pretty close to the end copy. I have 185 words and the limit is 200. While I'm at it...There are no specifications on format for this, so should I have spacing or just shove it all in one paragraph? And does it need a title?

I've pored through the Amherst guide, website, and delved into various aspects of the campus online; however, these sources provide only part of the picture. To fully capture the essence of Amherst I must explore it in person. I need to meet professors and personally experience the thriving campus culture.

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