Do you think this essay, for the Additional Comments section of the CommonApp, does a good job of explaining my poor GPA? Do you think this will persuade the admission officers, at top 30 schools, to look past my grades?
Essay - - - - -
I have learned from my trustworthy pal, CollegeConfidential, that cutoffs for even considering applying to the top schools are 2100 on SAT (CR+M+W), 3.8 UW GPA, 780 on 2 SAT Subject Tests (with the exception of Math Level 1, which is considered stupid to take), Varsity Captain in sports, 300 hours of volunteering, and national level recognition in something.
During sophomore year, when I posted my stats and passions in the What are my Chances? section, fellow members told me to use my $75 on a nice dinner for my family, and not waste it on applying to top schools.
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Hi there. It's worth a shot to explain special conditions in this section in order to get the Adcoms attention. I understand that you wanna say you can't achieve highly in academics because your family issues, but you made a lot of effort in ECs, and now your are courageous enough to apply regardless what others think. I mean, that's all good thinking, but you really need to find another way to put it, because there are just way too much negativities in this current version. It sounds rather like whining to the Adcom, which probably will hurt you during the admission process.
What I think you should do is to put more emphasize on positive sides of your experience, like how you overcame your family situation to further pursue your passion in ECs, what you achieved, and why they made you such a competent candidate for this particular school outside of the GPA and test scores. Show them you are confident about who you are and what you did, it will help a lot more than being cynic about College Confidential, complaining about the family mess, or making excuses for yourself.
Do you think this is better?
Indeed I come from a relatively affluent family. Making over 100k per year, my family is regarded, by many, as extremely wealthy and me as entitled. However, within the walls of our 600,000K home located in the rich suburb of Glendora, beyond the earnings and bond yields, is an extremely disoriented family headed by an uncaring man who openly has affairs and a hardworking woman who strives to distance herself and her children from the effects of the former.
My father is used to bringing home women who seem to be either his coworkers or prostitutes while my mother is used to working under a very strict, sexually abusive nutritionist for under minimum wage for eleven hours a day; I am used to getting hit on the head with beer bottles, by my father, when attempting to tell my mother about the woman that occupied her place on our master bed.
Growing up in such an environment stymied my academic performance. It was difficult to study when my mother and I were pushed out of the house by Mila, the married woman my father had an affair with for two months and brought to live at our house, or when I could hear uncomfortable noises from the master bedroom between my father and God knows who.
My mother, who although knew about my father's sexual capers, was confined by religion to tolerate anything and everything that my father did. In attempts to alleviate the pain that was consuming her, she devoted herself to contributing to the advancement of my passion; she supported me in my aspiration of pursuing dance competitively whereas my father told me to throw off my passion completely because he viewed it as useless. Because of her, I was able to compete in a national competition for dance, twice, and come first place both times. Upon winning, I was invited by the president of another national organization to become a member of the Youth Board. Here, I became aware of the effects of ruinous diseases which affected small, tribal, populations in underdeveloped regions of the world and sought to use my talent to help the national organization which serves to combat the most ruinous disease, cancer.
Months later after the fundraising for the cancer camp, seeing the interest little children had in dance, I, along with my mother, created a group of little dancers to promote the art. Interacting with these little children inspired me to write storybooks for other, hospitalized, children who were diagnosed with devastating illnesses and fighting for their lives.
Although my environment hindered my academic performance, it prompted my mother to support me more. With her extra support, I was able to enhance my character and truly, for reasons than bigger than myself, serve others.
At college, I hope I will be introduced into a new environment; one which promotes intellectual growth AND activism. I see college as a component of a larger project of intellectual discovery. College should help me think for the sake of thinking; I hope it will nurture my individual learning discipline and teach me accordingly. I hope it is the respite between the orthodoxy of my home and the exigencies of career in which I can truly grow intellectually and build my identity. I seek a true education - in the truest sense of the word; an education which serves to cultivate my mind and make me smart, mentally adept at certain affinities or activities. My ideal college will incorporate all these attributes and allow me to discover my interests, new passions, and academic disciplines more fiercely while nurturing me in an environment not corrupted like the one at my home.
Nice work on your revised version! I like this tone so much more than the original version, it's very genuine and personal. And I believe the Adcoms will be impressed by how you conquered your adversity and made the most out of it too!
I won't comment on the grammars too much since I really suck at it haha. If there's anything more I think you could make your response more concise, it's just "additional info" after all. I remember some admission officers specifically told me that they don't want to read another essay in this section so just keep it short. Make the AOs job easier and they will like you more!
It's just my opinion though, go with what you like. Good luck with the applications!
Thanks! I think I will cut that first para out completely or else the second paragraph will seem kind of redundant and maybe trim down, or remove completely, the last paragraph. But regardless, thanks! Had you not given me your opinion, I would have gone with the first one (didn't realize how whiny that sounded).