So this essay is for admission to a university and the prompt is:
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
I would really appreciate any suggestions or corrections.
Thank you so much :)
Here is my essay :
It was the end of school and summer was finally here. I was 16 and in the prima-donna stage of life; all that mattered to me was what I was going to wear on my lazy afternoons at the pool. Or at least that's what I thought. It was a bright and sunny day, the perfect start to my summer vacation. I was in the kitchen getting some breakfast when my mother walked in. "Guess what?" she exclaimed. Before I had a chance to take a wild guess she answered, "I signed you up to volunteer at the local children's hospital." The sky darkened outside as I stared disbelievingly at my mother, she gave me one of her famous "mom" looks and I knew this topic was not up for discussion. So the next morning I found myself outside of the local children's hospital, staring at my reflection on the window. Not only was I forced to spend my days stuck in a hospital, I was also required to wear a shirt in a hideous canary yellow color. I hurried inside before anybody recognized me and stomped towards the elevators. When I arrived at the oncology ward on the 5th floor, the nurses told me to report to room 523. I trudged towards the designated room and stood at the doorway. I saw a boy about my age sitting up in his bed, a baseball cap covered his head, but I could see his eyes were focused on the television above him. His fingers were racing over the buttons on a video game controller. I rolled my eyes, and was about to turn around and leave when the boy spoke. "Hey," he said to me. "You must be Marlene my 'play-pal,'" he laughed as if sharing a private joke with himself. "Uh yea," I stammered, unsure of how to react to his comment. "I'm Tony, come on in" he replied, flashing me a beautiful smile. As I stepped inside room 523, I didn't know that this strange encounter with Tony would soon flourish into a beautiful friendship.
Tony and I soon became inseparable. His zest and passion for life was contagious and his personality would light up any room. That summer, Tony taught me many valuable life lessons. He taught me to appreciate the little things in life; he taught me that a smile can make everything better, and laughter is the best medicine. Through his words and actions Tony made me a better person.
Soon after meeting him, I came to learn that Tony's disease had robbed him his right leg. Although he spent most of his time in a wheelchair, Tony never let this stop him from doing the things he loved. We would spend our afternoons playing basketball, or reading stories to the younger patients. I came in one afternoon to find his room empty, after inquiring at the nurses' station I was informed that he was at a physical therapy session. I made my way down to the physical therapy room to wait for him. When I arrived I saw Tony get up on his one remaining leg and start walking with the aid of parallel bars. I could see the pain this was causing him, but he executed the walk with such courage, poise and determination. Some might have the audacity to call Tony crippled or even disabled, but he is more complete than many can ever wish to be.
That day, through his actions Tony taught me the most important lesson in my life. He taught me to strive for my goal and never give up. He taught me that no obstacle is too big or too hard to overcome. It is a lesson I will carry with me always, and this is my thank you to Tony, the patient of room 523.
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
I would really appreciate any suggestions or corrections.
Thank you so much :)
Here is my essay :
It was the end of school and summer was finally here. I was 16 and in the prima-donna stage of life; all that mattered to me was what I was going to wear on my lazy afternoons at the pool. Or at least that's what I thought. It was a bright and sunny day, the perfect start to my summer vacation. I was in the kitchen getting some breakfast when my mother walked in. "Guess what?" she exclaimed. Before I had a chance to take a wild guess she answered, "I signed you up to volunteer at the local children's hospital." The sky darkened outside as I stared disbelievingly at my mother, she gave me one of her famous "mom" looks and I knew this topic was not up for discussion. So the next morning I found myself outside of the local children's hospital, staring at my reflection on the window. Not only was I forced to spend my days stuck in a hospital, I was also required to wear a shirt in a hideous canary yellow color. I hurried inside before anybody recognized me and stomped towards the elevators. When I arrived at the oncology ward on the 5th floor, the nurses told me to report to room 523. I trudged towards the designated room and stood at the doorway. I saw a boy about my age sitting up in his bed, a baseball cap covered his head, but I could see his eyes were focused on the television above him. His fingers were racing over the buttons on a video game controller. I rolled my eyes, and was about to turn around and leave when the boy spoke. "Hey," he said to me. "You must be Marlene my 'play-pal,'" he laughed as if sharing a private joke with himself. "Uh yea," I stammered, unsure of how to react to his comment. "I'm Tony, come on in" he replied, flashing me a beautiful smile. As I stepped inside room 523, I didn't know that this strange encounter with Tony would soon flourish into a beautiful friendship.
Tony and I soon became inseparable. His zest and passion for life was contagious and his personality would light up any room. That summer, Tony taught me many valuable life lessons. He taught me to appreciate the little things in life; he taught me that a smile can make everything better, and laughter is the best medicine. Through his words and actions Tony made me a better person.
Soon after meeting him, I came to learn that Tony's disease had robbed him his right leg. Although he spent most of his time in a wheelchair, Tony never let this stop him from doing the things he loved. We would spend our afternoons playing basketball, or reading stories to the younger patients. I came in one afternoon to find his room empty, after inquiring at the nurses' station I was informed that he was at a physical therapy session. I made my way down to the physical therapy room to wait for him. When I arrived I saw Tony get up on his one remaining leg and start walking with the aid of parallel bars. I could see the pain this was causing him, but he executed the walk with such courage, poise and determination. Some might have the audacity to call Tony crippled or even disabled, but he is more complete than many can ever wish to be.
That day, through his actions Tony taught me the most important lesson in my life. He taught me to strive for my goal and never give up. He taught me that no obstacle is too big or too hard to overcome. It is a lesson I will carry with me always, and this is my thank you to Tony, the patient of room 523.
