Topic # 1 What you will bring to the University of California - review

Tell us about a talent, experience, contribution or personal quality you will bring to the University of California.

After several visits to various University of California campuses, I was able to conclude that every campus strives to create a unique and diversified learning environment. I met individuals from every corner of the earth and every walk of life and quickly realized that I, as a first generation immigrant would not be alone. Regrettably, I met people who did not share the same insatiable appetite for success I did. After some inquiry, it occurred to me that they did no understand what gift they posses and how many people would kill to be in their shoes. My background has allowed me to have the ability to look at the bigger picture and appreciate the opportunities I have been presented with. With the confidence and unbreakable determination I have developed overcoming all of my adversities I will undoubtedly will allow me to succeed in any facet of life. Furthermore, my multi-lingual and multi-national background, as well as, my natural leadership ability can unite those striving to reach a common goal and enlighten those who do not see what treasure is at their finger tips.

dont hate me

Good morning!

Why would I hate you? Because you're doing your best to make a good life for yourself? I don't think so! That's what we all want, after all.

So, with that in mind, let's look at your new essay:

"I met individuals from every corner of the earth and every walk of life and quickly realized that I, as a first generation immigrant would not be alone."

Insert a comma after "immigrant" to finish enclosing the clause.

"After some inquiry, it occurred to me that they did no understand what gift they posses and how many people would kill to be in their shoes."

Typo alert: you forgot the "t" on "not" and the last "s" on "possess."

"My background has allowed me to have the ability to look at the bigger picture and appreciate the opportunities I have been presented with."

"My background has given me the ability . . . " would sound better, but if you are trying to meet a word count and don't want to shorten anything, it's OK as it is.

"With the confidence and unbreakable determination I have developed overcoming all of my adversities I will undoubtedly will allow me to succeed in any facet of life."

I think you may have accidentally combined two different versions of this sentence. That leaves you with a couple of choices; either: "With the confidence and unbreakable determination I have developed overcoming all of my adversities, I will undoubtedly succeed in any facet of life." Or: "The confidence and unbreakable determination I have developed overcoming all of my adversities will undoubtedly allow me to succeed in any facet of life."

"Furthermore, my multi-lingual and multi-national background, as well as, my natural leadership ability can unite those striving to reach a common goal and enlighten those who do not see what treasure is at their finger tips."

Move the comma after "as well as" to after "ability."

You sound confident and motivated to succeed, both very good qualities. I'm glad you decided to emphasize your abilities. I hope the admissions people are as impressed as I am!

Good luck,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

should we write it that short? I heard that we should discuss it in depth. the more the better. is it correct?

If this essay is for UC campuses, then the suggested word count is actually around 500 words. So I think this piece is somewhat too short. Try to talk more about ur talent and characteristic and how does these help you to contribute to the UC environment.

Hope this helps and all the best :)