UC Prompt #1 & 2 (Transfer) - Business major & Chinese-American identity

Hello! I'm a transfer student hoping to go to UC Berkeley! I'd love any kind of feedback. I have added the word count for each prompt. Mind you, I just started and finished Prompt #2 tonight and had a hard time writing within the world limit. I would especially love criticism on Prompt #2 and advice on how to effectively correct the introduction and conclusion. Thank you so much!

Prompt #1 (transfer applicants) Word count: 509

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement:

Business can be a daunting environment to many people for its aggressive nature, the complex structure of our economy, and the high risks needed to survive. But through my eyes, business has always been a living and restless organism that fascinates me like no other. I have wanted to pursue business in order to become an engaging businesswoman and to apply my skills to better serve my community. My aspiration to major in business administration has been fueled by my experiences and environment, which have prepared me well for my studies.

Prompt #2 (all applicants) Word count: 533

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?:

I have always felt my life was an imitation of Wheel of Fortune. Ethnicity was the name of the game and, like a spinning wheel, people have attempted many guesses but not one has ever been right the first time. When the games were over, I looked in the mirror and felt torn. I never considered myself purely Chinese or American. If I could not even identify with my own heritage, I was certain that it was just as dubious to others. However, my first visit to Hong Kong turned this perspective completely around. I found myself impacted by this trip in ways I would not have expected. I finally felt at ease with my identity and developed a compassion for world culture.

^How do you intend to serve your community by being a businesswoman exactly?


^By current events, do you just mean reading the news? Or did you do something, perhaps, more proactive?


^Just because he was Nigerian, with a thick acent, you assumed that the professor may have been incapable of having a strong knowledge base of Economics? Hmmm.


^All this suggests that you are disillusioned to the point you can not even recognize your own hair color.


^Well, given that you could imagine you had blonde hair, I am not sure if this being 'beyond your imagination' says much.

Your first essay could be stronger by explaining certain statements you have made.
Your second essay, is the typical ''I have discovered my cultural heritage'' essay, and there is nothign really unique about your discovery. As it is not particularly unique, it is unlikely to leave a lasting impression on your readers. Just bear that in mind.

Thank you Liebe for your feedback.

Many of your comments for Prompt #1 were very helpful in trying to clarify my statements. I do want to point out the bit about my Microeconomics professor. I did not mean to say I doubted his knowledge from his appearance. Instead, I should have written that I was afraid I would not be able to understand him from his thick accent, which led me to doubt the quality of the class. Thank you for pointing that out, or else I would not have caught that.

Although I was a bit taken aback at the comments for Prompt #2, I do understand your point of view. In fact, I previously wanted to write about a completely different topic that's very personal to me and I'm still considering whether I'd be comfortable doing so.

Again, thank you for your comments. They were very helpful to me. And if anyone else would like to contribute, please do so! I'd love to hear what others have to say.

My mother began to cry, and my father silently bowed his head; and I realized this trip was a special homecoming for all of the family to be together. In a flash, all my insecurities disappeared, and I finally felt that I came home too.

Thanks Faisal, for the great work here.

Angelica, good luck to you!!