Transfer Essay to Fordham University

Please Help Edit!

THANKS IN ADVANCE!!

If asked three year ago what I wanted to do in life, I would have no answer for you. I graduated High School with no motivation to continue my education. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to, but the one thing I did know, was that I did not want to be in a classroom. I had had a difficult time academically in high school and figured that I would never be able to succeed in college so I figured the best thing to do was to give up. However, my parents were not going to let me off the hook that easily and said that if I wanted to live under their roof I had to either attend community college or find a full-time job. While I resented the idea, I figured that taking classes would be better easier than working full-time so I decided to enroll at Westchester Community College.

Looking back at it, I am so thankful that my parents pressuring me to attend college and it just may just have been the best thing they have ever done for me. While I quickly learned that going to college was probably not easier than having a job, there was something enlightening about it. Westchester Community College sparked my love for learning in a way I have never experienced! I had never enjoyed high school but I was finding that now I was eager to go to my classes and learn new and exciting things. I unexpectedly found myself working hard and achieving outstanding grades. I even completed my first semester with a 4.0 GPA. However, that was just the beginning.

Over the next two years, I found myself striving to succeed and I have undoubtedly learned many things along that way that will help me through the path of personal and academic growth. I have not only learned in the classroom but have also gained knowledge through extracurricular activities. I have held positions for Phi Theta Kappa, Alpha Beta Gamma, the Marketing Club, and Entrepreneur and Networking Club. I was a mentee of Elizabeth James, Vice-President of Marketing and Communications of MBIA through the Women's Forum Workplace Coaching program, which gave me the opportunity to learn how to bring what I learned in the classroom and apply in the real world. Westchester Community College has been a great institution that has offered me so many exceptional resources during my education. However, after completing my Associates degree, it is now time for me to move on. I have made it an obligation to achieve all my goals and therefore, have decided to further develop my skills at a four-year college. I wish to transfer, mostly because I am seeking a greater challenge. I have worked hard and it has paid off in many ways. I have received much recognition for my accomplishments, such as the Business Administration Curriculum Award and the SUNY Chancellor's Award, a prestigious award given out by the SUNY system to distinguish the top student leaders across New York State. The Chancellor's award is considered to be "the highest honor bestowed upon the student body" so it is a great honor to have been nominated and selected as a recipient of this award. I have gained confidence since studying at Westchester Community College and have now made it my goal to move onto a school that will challenge me to excel the way I have at Westchester. I believe that Fordham University is the perfect fit for me that will offer me the opportunities and challenges to make my college experience productive both in and outside of the classroom with their numerous student organizations and clubs, CEO Breakfast series, networking opportunities, internships and mentoring, and unique G.L.O.B.E study abroad program. There are countless opportunities to be discovered at Fordham University and I am looking forward to the experience these. What I love about Fordham is that students have the opportunity to be immersed into a dynamic business-oriented community, while still having the social college experience. I am looking forward to pushing myself to experience new things academically, socially and spiritually and consider Fordham the ideal place to do so.

I have done remarkably well at Westchester Community College, and I am convinced that I can meet the academic challenges at Fordham University with hard work and dedication. I would be proud to be a student of such a great institution!

Please Help Edit!

THANKS IN ADVANCE!!

1. you used 'figure' twise in one sentence. It would be better if you replace the second one with synonym, f.e decide or understand

2. If the second clause is preceded by an adverb, such as accordingly, besides, so, therefore or thus, and not by a conjuction, the semicolon is required. - Willyam Strunk Jr. The Elements of Style

3. Willyam Strunk Jr. The Elements of Style: In general, however, it is best, in writing, to avoid using so in this manner; there is a danger that the writer who uses it at all may use it too often. A simple correction... is to omit the word so, and begin the first clause with as:

As I had had a difficult time academically in high school, and thought that I would never be able to succeed in college, I figured out that the best thing to do was to give up.

While I resented the idea, I figured - again the same word - that taking classes would be better easier than working full-time; so I decided to enroll at Westchester Community College.

Looking back at it, I am so thankful that my parents pressuring me to attend college, - insert comma between independent clauses - and it just may just have been the best thing they have ever done for me.

I have not only learned in the classroom, but have also gained knowledge through extracurricular activities.

I liked your essay very much. Although there are minor mistakes with punctuation, the overall content is very interesting. I believe your inspiration and persistence will bring you new accomplishments. good luck :)

Not very impressive! I have read this far, and I am thinking, "Hmmmmm.... then she probably does not deserve admission as much as some kids that have been focused for a long time."

Oh,,, as I keep reading, I see that you turned it all around! Congratulations, that is great. And you wrote beautifully about it, too. I think you were inspired because you were digging deep and telling the truth.

Here is a tip -- use a comma after every adjective if there is more than one:
...to be immersed into a dynamic, business-oriented community (and no comma is necessary here) while still having the social college experience.

trim, trim, make it leek:
I am looking look forward to pushing myself...

Now chop off that first paragraph! It has no place in this essay. You are a 4.0gpa, not a student without motivation. Do not make such an unimpressive first impression! Replace that intro paragraph with one that describes your vision for the future.

:-)